Ill Humor page 2

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Since it is the holiday season, here are some gift ideas from ShoalesCo ("Conglomerate with a heart"), a wholly-owned subsidiary of TIME-DISNEY-MURDOCH.

SEE IT? GIVE ME A DOLLAR! (v. 5.2)

This new software makes it possible for you, the consumer, to take credit for anything at all, license it and charge others whatever you feel like charging to check it out. (Permission from Microsoft is required for purchase.)

JENNY HOLZER DOLL

This lovable action figure will scrawl mysterious slogans on your walls for just pennies a day. (Batteries not included.)

AIR JORDAN

Each pocket-sized inhaler is made of rugged ABS plastic and is guaranteed to contain one fully-exhaled breath of famed athlete Michael Jordan. Act now and receive at no extra charge THE GAS BAG, a sampler of Newt Gingrich's hot air, in a handy (and disposable!) paper sack.

DISCOUNT DISCLAIMER PACKAGE

"Must be 18 to play," "Offer not valid in Utah," "Actual mileage may vary," "Excludes sunscreen glass," "4MB RAM recommended," "Air bags are a supplemental restraint only," "Past performance is no guarantee of future results," and much much more.

WORD POWER

Send us all your money and we'll send you a lifetime supply of blab, cheap talk, empty words, factoids and vague rumors about celebrities.

You'll get adjectives like "bipartisan," "thrill-packed," "powerful," "reclusive" and "scary"; nouns like "grudge," "chaos" and "diversity"; phrases like "King of Pop," "Everything you know about multimedia is about to change" and "It's the right thing to do."

Act now and get the bonus SPORTS METAPHOR COMPENDIUM (with "level playing field," "hardball," "hang time," "face time," "left field," "off the wall," "tackle," more) and Liz Smith's GUIDE TO GUSH.

Finally, for those who want something a little more tangible under their ratty little tree, we offer--

GUM, BUTTS, 'N' COAL--

an assortment of unsavory items made desirable solely through endorsements by celebrity impressionists:

"There was a time when every student's desk bore an assortment of previously-chewed and heavily shellacked gum. GUM, BUTTS, 'N' COAL harks back to the glory days of public education. Every American needs this now." -- William Bennett

"GUM, BUTTS, 'N' COAL sends a powerful message to the tobacco industry." -- Ralph Nader

"What a cute idea! I loved it!" -- Liz Smith

"Give those welfare punks the Christmas they deserve." -- Rush Limbaugh.

Plus:

Find Madonna's lipstick traces and win a free trip for two to a VIRTUAL FUN ZONE at a mini-mall near you! Bring us the head of Howard Stern and get a stained Styrofoam cup at no extra charge! Act now.*

*To insure quality service, your call may be monitored, celebrity endorsements not implied, stocking not included, some gum may lose its flavor, heed the surgeon general's warning, do not use coal without adult supervision, no sticker price, please do not phone us, leave us alone, we'll call the cops, we mean it.
Dec. 16, 1995