JUDGES' COMMENTS:

We got bundles of high-quality entries on this one. Judging by what we read, ours is a time of telephonic discontent -- there is ire toward voice mail mazes, busy signals and friends who talk one's ear off. But by far the greatest disgruntlement is with telemarketers. How to deal with them? Two of the many ideas you submitted are included below, along with some other inventions that tickled us.

CALLER ID:
Do you often wonder, in today's clamoring world, who you really are? Enter your Social Security Number and PIN, and listen to a computer voice read your full legal name, the names of your loved ones and an actuarial estimate of the number of years you have left.
-- Jeff Taylor

MUMBLE-MATIC:
Just hanging up on telemarketers isn't good enough. The only way to make the industry unprofitable is to waste their time. Enter Mumble-Matic! As soon as you realize the nature of the call, switch it on and walk away. Mumble-Matic detects the vocal pauses left when being asked a question, and replies with an almost-but-not-quite incomprehensible bout of mumbling. This continues until -- tired and frustrated -- the call canvasser hangs up on their own.
-- Orinoco

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DEAD MAN CALLING:
Triggered by a signal from your heart monitor, calls your friends and family with news of your demise. "Hello, I'm not in right now, and I'm not going to be ..." Ideal for the person who's always on the go.
-- Randy Brown

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TELEMARKETER CONFERENCING:
Don't waste your valuable time listening to sales pitches and requests for money. A touch of a button connects the telemarketer to another phone salesperson. Includes eavesdropping feature allowing you to hear the confusion. Connect AT&T to MCI and enjoy the rest of your day!
-- Wendy Edwards

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CALL BACKWARDING:
Projects your incoming calls backward in time to a point when you were actually at home. Never miss a call again!
-- Matt Horowitz

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UH-HUH:
Emits a constant stream of agreement sounds through the phone to placate the "infinite talker" while you get on with life. "Yup," "I hear ya," "Sure" and "Uh-huh" sound from time to time during the call. Contextual inflection matching recognizes the shrill "Are you listening to me?" and final "Well, can't stand here talking to you all day, gotta go" statements and responds appropriately.
-- Orinoco

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ONE-WAY CALLING:
For the seriously reclusive who wants to use the phone but doesn't actually want to talk to anyone, this new feature allows you to carry on a conversation over a live telephonic circuit without the inconvenience of involving another person.
-- Mark Epstein

SALON | Jan. 26, 1998

Charlie Varon is a humorist and playwright. His works include "Ralph Nader Is Missing" and "Rush Limbaugh in Night School." Jim Rosenau is executive editor at Books That Work, a home and garden software publisher in Palo Alto, Calif. Jim and Charlie are also co-founders of the citizen group Californians for Earthquake Prevention, and partners in Mockingbird Productions, which offers a full line of comic services.