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A match made in hell? | page 1, 2, 3
I'm 36 and have been with my boyfriend, 28, for two and a half years,
living together for the last year. We're crazy about each other and
feel very lucky to have found one another. I would like to get married
and share the rest of my life with this wonderful person, and he sometimes mentions
marriage himself in his tender moments, but whenever I bring up the subject in any serious
way, he becomes very cold and analytical. He tells me how no one he knows has a
good marriage, that his parents' divorce devastated him, that he doesn't know how the law
applies so far as my debts (I owe a lot in student loans) or what he'd stand to lose if we
divorced. He has suggested premarital counseling and writing a prenup to allay his fears.
But all his hemming and hawing and fears and caution are making me think
maybe I don't want to marry him at all if he looks on marriage as
nothing more than a legal contract involving tense rounds of
negotiation. He is so sweet and romantic almost all the time, except
when we talk about marriage! I also wish he would be willing to take a
risk on my behalf, the way I took risks for him -- I moved more than 2,000
miles, left my family and friends and sold some valued possessions so I
could be with him. He admits that I am braver, and admires me for it,
but won't match what I've done. It's making me think I'm not so sure I
want to be with him at all, when his biggest concern is protecting
himself against a hypothetical divorce. Should I hang in with this guy and be glad he's being
careful? Or should I hang it up, and find someone who actually wants to
marry me and doesn't have to be negotiated into it? Want Marriage, Not a Treaty
Dear Want, Men are passionate and ingenious in pursuit and not so good at disengaging.
They want to make women laugh and toss their heads and make low moaning sounds of
ecstasy. They don't want to tell a woman, "My feelings for you aren't right, I'm not in love
with you, I can't marry you." Your boyfriend may be trying to tell you this. Of course
maybe he's a worrywart who can't take a step forward before he takes a few hundred steps
to either side. But I think not. And either way, you should drop the subject of marriage; it's
nothing you should want to press on a reluctant partner. If you're not sure you want to be
with him, then why spend money on premarital counseling? Marriage is a big subject, but I
don't think this sort of flailing about is a good preparation for it. Take a step back, don't
bring up the subject again and set a deadline in your own mind: If he doesn't ask you to
marry him in X months, then say thank you and move back across the country to your
friends. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm a 35-year-old man, divorced, and in February I started dating a wonderful woman, eight
years older, who has rekindled my faith in people. She laughs at my jokes, runs her fingers
through my hair and, when we're alone, makes me feel like no one else on earth exists but
me. She's a little inhibited when we make love, very self-conscious of how she looks naked,
though I've told her many times that she's beautiful. But a more serious problem is her
inability to say no to her family who, since she's not had a serious relationship in about six
years, are accustomed to having her at their beck and call. She's blown off commitments
we've had because someone in her family "needs" her. She seems to know that her family is
pulling her strings, but can't bring herself to just say no. I love her, and I think we can work through her inhibitions, but I have a sinking feeling her
family will only get more demanding as we get more serious. What to do? Cursed by Future In-Laws Dear Cursed, Your love for this woman -- because she laughs at your jokes, runs her
fingers through your hair, makes you feel that you're the only person on earth -- does strike
an objective reader as somewhat selfish (what about her jokes and her hair?), and so does
your resentment of her family. The woman did not fall to earth from a distant galaxy; she
comes from an earthly race of mortals and is naturally attached to them and accepts some
responsibility for them. The problem could very well be you, your possessiveness, your
jealousy. At least consider the possibility. And please don't think about marrying her if you
can't abide her family. That would lead to nothing but trouble. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm a professional writer, a two-time National Endowment for the Arts fellow. And finally
I've gotten to the point where I'm earning a good living. I'm slender, attractive, witty,
sophisticated, a great dancer, an innovative cook, I can do evening gowns or jeans,
silk/cashmere or flannel. But my work tends to be isolating. I haven't been in a relationship for five years, because the
few straight available men I meet keep telling me that they're intimidated by my intelligence!
(Is this a compliment?) What to do? Frustrated Dear Frustrated, I cannot imagine a man telling a woman that he's intimidated by her
intelligence, but there you are, so it must be so. But I don't think it's exactly intelligence that
is intimidating them. Very bright and ambitious people, men or women, need to sit down
from time to time and assess their manners -- manners, in the broadest sense of the term;
how you relate to others, your ease and affability. There is a tendency among the Very
Bright to be preachy and disdainful of human idiocy, which of course is disconcerting to us
idiots, and a tendency among the Slender, Attractive and Witty to make those of us who are
Lumpy, Homely and Slow to feel gloomy in your presence. Your letter gives the impression
of great self-confidence, an asset to be sure, but one that can be intimidating to us nebbishes,
when it's advertised so boldly. Are you able to converse easily and comfortably with
someone who never had an NEA fellowship and can't write his way out of a paper sack?
Nothing to do but do what we all do, keep trying; try to be aware of how you sound to
others and if you think you might be scary, then tone it down. Dear Mr. Blue, I am in a relationship with a wonderful, talented, attentive, brilliant guy.
We've been together three years, and the problem is that he lies -- about big things, little
things, you name it. Example: For the first year and a half, he was in
touch with his ex-girlfriend constantly. They spoke at least two times a day and he accepted
lavish gifts from her. I have no problem with that, just that he denied having any contact
with her until the day I found out. Even then he tried to make it seem like much less
than it was. Since then he's admitted that he has a problem with telling the
truth and he has seen a therapist regularly. He says he's doing better but I don't believe
him. He only admits to lying when he is confronted with the truth or he
knows I'll find out. I'm tired of feeling like a suspicious parent; and while
I love him to the ends of the earth, I don't know if I have the patience to
help him with his problem. Do I stay and hope that things get resolved with
this problem or do I kiss him goodbye and tell him to call me when he's all
better? Tired Dear Tired, It's a huge drag to be lied to by one you love. It puts you into an odd
adversarial relationship and makes you wary when you should feel at ease. Makes you feel
every sentence needs to be deciphered and analyzed. It's just a whole lot of unnecessary
work. The most charitable explanation for chronic lying is that the liar is torn between
contradictions, there are gaping fissures in his life, he is struggling to maintain appearances
and to quell some urgent realities, and I suppose that almost anyone goes through a spell of
this at some time in his or her life, but honesty is fairly fundamental in any relationship, and
if you feel you basically can't believe him, then this deal is broken. You love a guy whom
you don't really know. A man in a mask. What you do is entirely dependent on your
patience, and I can't assess that. But it sounds as if you're nearing the end of the trail and are
looking for a fork so you can get off it.
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