English majors, Swedish flings
and American dreams
IN WHICH GARRISON KEILLOR, WHO HAS BEEN AROUND THE BLOCK AND LOST THAT SHOWROOM SHINE, SHARES HIS WISDOM.
B Y_.M R ._.B L U E

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[NOTE TO THE READER: In Salon's Table Talk, Mr. Blue will take part in discussions of writing, the writer's life, publishing, love, romance, the erotic life, marriage and how to live life. Please do not ask for investment advice or help on your term paper. Letters will only appear in this space this week. In the future, Mr. Blue will write a brief introduction and the discussion will be carried out in Table Talk.]

Dear Mr. Blue,

I groaned when I heard that Salon was going to start a lovelorn column -- Salon used to be such a distinguished magazine, a beacon of wit and intelligence in the landfill that is the Internet, and now what? You're going to tell people whether to kiss on the first date or not? What do you know about it anyway?

Disappointed

Dear Dis,

I guess you could call it a lovelorn column, for writers and lovers, all of whom tend to have their hearts broken sometimes, and Mr. Blue has certainly had his tromped and left a trail of damp hankies in honky-tonks and Holiday Inns from here to Honolulu, and this is what qualifies him as a Romance Resource Person, a history of failure and rejection. Mr. Blue is an author who has survived seven major book tours and been interviewed on daytime television shows, sandwiched between Szechwan cooking demonstrations and the lady from the zoo with the pair of baby lemurs -- Mr. Blue sat there as a TV person with large hair asked, "What exactly is it that people enjoy about your work?" and the camera zoomed in on Mr. Blue's rumpled hair and weary eyes and the floor director held up 10 fingers, meaning that 10 seconds remained before the lemur segment. So Mr. Blue is qualified to feel the pain of others and reply appropriately. As for kissing on the first date, you should never date someone whom you would not wish to kiss immediately.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I am considering quitting my job and becoming a freelance writer, which I've been saying for 10 years I was going to do one of these days and now that my mother has died and left me $30,000, it seems to be a good time. I am 43, single, a middle-school teacher, and now reside in North Dakota but am going to relocate to New Mexico. I write mainly essays but am willing to consider other genres. My question is: Am I crazy?

Fargo Dave

Dear Fargo Dave,

No, you're not. This is the American Dream, and your Mom, bless her heart, has opened the door for you, and of course you should walk through it. If you get a part-time job, you can probably make your inheritance last you for three years, and that's a good enough trial period to see if you can sell something. The market for serious essaying is somewhat thin today, so you might want to consider the humorous essay, if humor is something that interests you, or you could venture into memoirism, if you've had a full rich life, or, if you haven't, you could write about health. There are a hundred health magazines out there, and more are on the way. The freelance life is a good life. Mr. Blue suggests that you walk into your principal's office next week and give him a good tongue-lashing and act disgruntled -- lean over the desk and keep touching your right pants pocket and look him in the eye but don't quite focus -- and this will serve to burn that bridge. Then you can write about doing it. Remember, for a writer there are no bad experiences, everything is material.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I write short stories, some of which have appeared in little literary magazines (the sort that pay contributors with copies of the issue you're in), and recently I heard from a friend that a very close friend of mine had made fun of one of my stories to someone and referred to it as "tripe." I am somehow unable to put this out of my mind, though I've tried. Would it be all right to confront her about it?

Distraught in Ithaca

Dear Distraught in Ithaca

No, it's not all right, so don't. There's no friendly way to deal with this, and if you value your friend, don't corner her. If you listen hard enough, you'll always hear bad things about yourself, so don't listen so hard. Time will pass, and this tripe will leave your mind.