Salon Columnists

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I love him incredibly, but I envision a life of hockey games, Super Bowl parties and chips and dip.

Indecisive in Chicago

Dear Chicago,

I'm sorry you're in this fix. Boredom is not a good place for a marriage to start. Evidently you found it comfortable to stick with this depressing schlump for 10 years, but you can't stick with him any longer if he depresses you. Take another look at your letter and if it really expresses how you feel, not just on a bad day but on all days, then tell him he's boring and you're done with him. See if it gets a rise out of him. And let yourself see other men. Modern medicine, meanwhile, is extending the childbearing years, so they may not be over as soon as you think. And, dear Indecisive, you really must start living your life and not wait for it to arrive. (OK, so I don't know exactly what that means either, but make something happen here, girl.)

Dear Mr. Blue,

I am 25 and always shunned romance, and then I went to breakfast with this wonderful, well-read, attractive man. From the first, I knew he was married. And I leapt anyway. We both did. He told me he was in love and wanted to grow old and cantankerous reading the paper with me. We tried cooling things off. That didn't work. We tried being friends. I couldn't handle the pain. Sensing he was not going to leave his wife -- as he said he would -- I packed his things in a box and told him not to call. Yes, I know I courted my broken heart. Yes, I know it was right to end it. But, Mr. Blue, do you have any advice that will help it hurt less?

Lonely Again in Pennsylvania

Dear Lonely,

A lot of people in your position wouldn't have acted so resolutely. They'd have packed and unpacked that box a couple dozen times, weaseled, waffled, but you -- you marched right out the door. And that shows that you're going to forge ahead and march through the pain to something better. Who knows what purpose this boyo was meant to serve, but take him as an experience, as a speed bump, as a commercial against adultery, as a summer replacement, as a breakfast that went on too long, as a catch-up course, whatever, and now you're ready for something good to happen. Something less tortuous. Wake up every morning and give thanks for the day, whether you feel grateful or not, and determine to do a couple of good things for yourself, whatever brings a smile to your face. It's such a cliché, but a true one: Let some time pass and you'll be amazed at how much better you'll feel than you feel right now.

Dear Mr. Blue,

Here's the deal. I am an aspiring writer. I am in love with the most sane and simple guy on the planet, a phys ed teacher, who doesn't understand why I write, what I write or what it means to me. I love him incredibly, but when I think of marrying him, I envision a life of hockey games, Super Bowl parties and chips and dip. My heart and brain are in heavy battle over this. Please help.

Stepford in South Jersey

Dear Stepford,

I'd tell you to say goodbye to the guy, except that you use the word "incredibly," and so one has to pause there. My guess is that your brain is going to tell your heart what to do, and your heart is going to accede. It's hard to make the brain shut up in matters of the heart, and when it speaks, it's usually persuasive. But plenty of writers have been married happily to people who weren't literary people. You don't marry a guy for his critical ability. You marry him because he's sexy, he makes you laugh and you believe in him. The hockey games are optional.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I'm a young writer recovering from many years of unhealthy introversion. I enjoy the art of conversation, but having so little practice, I'm not a very interesting chatterer. More like a mumbling washcloth. I want to transfer some of my written confidence and eloquence to my speech. Can you help?

Pen's Mightier Than Tongue

Dear Pen,

The art of conversation isn't so much eloquence as plain etiquette: You don't invite your friend to have lunch and then sit like a stone. You're not required to be wonderful, but you must make the attempt, and that counts for as much as anything else. Nobody ever masters this art. It depends on the occasion and your partners. Sometimes you get stuck in a black hole. But everyone has that social impulse in his heart, the kindness that wants to make a good time for other people, and conversation is an exercise of kindness. You can coast on the kindness of others, but if you don't pull an oar, you won't be asked out.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I own a restaurant and a home dealership, both challenging, but neither brings me the intellectual joy I get when I sit at my computer and write. I spend four hours at my novel several days a week, and my wife scoffs at me. She says, "You could be fixing the washing machine," or "The house needs painting." What would you do or say in my situation?

Perplexed

Dear Perplexed,

Writing, like staring out the window, is not a defensible way to spend time, so you must do it in private if you hope to evade questioning. Be somewhere else. Hide. It's better to apologize for not painting the house than to ask your wife's permission to write your novel.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I have loved a man who is the father of a 5-year-old girl whose mother he dated for three months and didn't marry. The mother has no interest in him, and he has none in her, except for wanting to know his daughter. And yet he holds onto the hope of reestablishing his relationship with the mother. For a year, he and I have been friends at times and more than friends at other times. We've been off and on, and continue to get back together to "just be friends," but sex always follows. I see wonderful things in him that I wish he could let triumph over his fear of commitment. But I realize that he will never be able to give me the kind of relationship I need, want and deserve. Should I try to just be friends? Or is he not worth my time?

Sadder but Wiser

Dear Sadder,

You can be just friends with him eventually, but maybe not until you start a relationship with someone else. And then, of course, maybe he won't be worth your time. But first, if you don't like the idea of casual sex, you should stop having it. And you stop having sex by simply not seeing him.

N E X T+P A G E +| The danger of edging out of "summer fling" territory