Salon Columnists

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Have I become one of those people William Bennett scorns as having no moral compass?

Philadelphia Philanderer

Dear Phil,

You have tumbled for a man whose life is something of a mess, and now your happiness is heavily mortgaged to his situation. Try to step back and take a clear look at where you are. Try not to be so available, so comforting, so wonderful. Be a little removed. And try to direct your attention (and his) away from how happy you two are and toward the fortunes of these two children. All the happy b.s. about wise breakups being good for children in the end --- you can skip that. If, as you say, this man has been avoiding home and his fatherly responsibilities, don't make excuses for him. I am sorry, Philadelphia, but he has got to face up to his situation and deal with it before he can make a life with you. He can't make you happy in the long term if he is a man who blows off his children.

Dear Mr. Blue,

Interesting women seek my friendship, but don't respond to my occasional romantic overtures. I fear I've been typecast as a "nice guy" or, worse, a "safe male." How can I generate a false dark side? I also can't plot my short stories. Is there a single solution to both problems?

Somewhere in Mississippi

Dear Somewhere,

Romantic overtures are always being dropped; barrooms are littered with shards of overtures. But if you're flirting with plausible women and they turn away, maybe you need to update your look. May as well start there. A man glances in the mirror in the morning and doesn't notice what's looking back at him: the waxed flattop, the beige-tinted aviator glasses, the goatee, which women read to mean that he's a right-wing nut. If you have a woman friend your age whose taste is adventurous but sure, ask her opinion. Try some new clothes. As for plotting short stories, the trick is to figure out where the middle is and start there, not the beginning.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I am 45 and married to a wonderful woman who is 17 years younger than I. I have three teenage children from an earlier marriage who share our household every other week, and everyone gets along swimmingly, teens and my wife, me and my ex, teens and her husband. I am deeply in love with my wife, and life couldn't be better. My wife wants us to have one child, maybe two, which I'm open to, but I'm worried about changing the status quo. I like babies, but I also know how much work it is to raise them and how children change your life. Any advice?

The Overpopulator

Dear O.P.,

You're having the normal trepidations a person ought to have before you beget a baby. Yes, having one does change your life, but life changes anyway, with or without one. You have a wonderful family to bring a new child into, and a wife who wants it, and a pool of baby sitters, and at 45 you'll be a terrific father. So accept your good fortune and go be fruitful.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I am a 25-year-old student with a full-time job and a live-in boyfriend of almost six years, and we are beginning to think about marriage and buying a house. I am steaming toward earning an MFA in poetry and am happy about how my writing is coming along.

In 1997 I was diagnosed with a neurological malformation with an uncertain prognosis. My symptoms are increasing, and it looks like I will need brain surgery.

Here's the thing: I need to take two more classes and then finish my thesis. I was going to finish in the fall of 1999, but I had to take a year off in '96, which really crushed me and ruined my self-confidence. If I have surgery this winter, I will be facing that again, along with three months of recuperation. But if I wait until May, I may damage my health. My doctor says that nothing is certain and I should have the surgery when I am ready to have it. What to do?

In Diagnosis Hell

Dear I.D.H.,

If I were your dad, I'd want you to have the surgery, once you got it clear in your mind what is involved and what might come of it. Your health has to come first. You have to march into the hospital and wage the good fight. Yes, it's a depressing prospect, to interrupt your life when it's going so well, but your academic year probably won't be a cheerful one with this crisis hanging over your head. Of course you can get a second opinion, but if you yourself are aware of your symptoms getting worse, then you should act right away.

Dear Mr. Blue,

My wife has been gone for two years now and I'm over her. It's the concept of marriage that I can't let go of. I feel as if I'm headed for a life of gold chains, cocaine, nightclubs and a three-week second marriage to Liz Taylor if I cut the cord. A steady wife would be a nice addition now that the nights are getting cold, but would one even be interested in me? Or should I just concentrate on bar chicks and relationships that vanish as quickly as the foam on the beer?

Floating

Dear Floating,

That life of gold chains and nightclubs only exists in Nevada and New Jersey and parts of Los Angeles. It's not to be found in the heartland, or in the South or the Northwest, so if the thought of transient relationships and inappropriate neckwear troubles you, get out of harm's way. But first get the divorce, which is the logical step after two years of separation. And then something else may happen. Perhaps a valiant woman walks into a room and a cloud of pheromones appears. She may not be a reliable source of heat or wish to become an addition to your life, but you can work that out between you.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I think you can tell a lot about a person by how he or she drives. And I'm deeply in love with a man who drives like an idiot. His other qualities are wonderful, but his driving is becoming a real problem and slowly eroding my respect for him. I don't want to dump him, and I don't want to die in a terrible crash. What am I to do?

White-knuckled in Boston

Dear Knuckles,

A man can change how he drives. Tell him it bothers you, and tell him he must either take driving lessons or drive as if he had. Don't give him this message casually. Soften him up for it with a period of coolness and distance, until he is moved to ask what is wrong, and then tell him. He'll think you're kidding. Tell him again. This is a basic expectation between human beings: that we not endanger each other.

N E X T+P A G E +| Every happy resolution generates some perverse negative reaction