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Hare

Dear Hare,

Don't panic. And don't toy with disaster. Close your door, unplug your phone and get to work. What is haunting you is the Unwritten Term Paper syndrome -- work becomes harder to do the longer it is postponed. Establish beachheads and develop them. Make sure that what is in your head gets put on paper. Don't look at the blank page; write something down, even if it's not the right thing: It will lead to something better. Make a start, and that will improve your morale, and you'll finish up in a blaze of triumph and walk away feeling like Michael Jordan. Go. Do.

Dear Mr. Blue,

My youth was spent having adventures and riding the emotional roller coaster of acting. Now I'm married and respectable, and instead of the instant gratification of acting, I write. Writing, like my devoted husband, promises to be good to me for the rest of my life. But it's SOOOOO slooowwww! It's SOOOO careful! Where's the rush? With acting you get instant feedback, good or bad, and your art becomes a blur of midcourse changes. With writing you hone and craft and hone and craft, and six months later you find out what happened. Acting is like group sex, and writing is like masturbation, except you have to keep checking the mail to see if your orgasm has arrived.

How can I reconcile myself to this? My pathetic need for adrenalin is really hanging me up.

Craving Chaos in NYC

Dear Craving,

A writer can perform whenever she likes. Simply take a few of your honed and crafted stories and stand up in front of an audience and read them. Look over the lectern, and you will feel a large rush at that moment. I don't know if it's like group sex, but it has its moments. And there's no playwright to blame: just you and the audience. When the material isn't working, you can see them slump in their seats, you can hear the car keys jingle. When it does work, it's better than group sex. I guess. But how would I know?

Dear Mr. Blue,

I'm a 31-year-old woman, never married. About two months ago I was dumped by the man I thought was "the one." We had deep, intimate conversations and shared a very strong connection to each other. He said he didn't love me enough to spend the rest of his life with me. I sense a pattern in my life. The men who are interested in me romantically never touch my inner self, and I eventually drift away from them. The men who are capable of the kind of introspection and sharing that I find attractive seem to think I'm a great friend but aren't interested in more. Am I destined to spend the rest of my life as everyone's friend and no one's lover? What can I do to avoid this fate?

Alone in Boston

Dear Alone,

Perhaps you yourself have divided your romantic self from your "inner self" so that a man can touch one and not the other. Maybe you value friendship more than romance and you shunt the men you really like onto the first track and let the slackers take the second. Friendship can be pursued at leisure over long periods of time, can be set aside and then resumed, can be pondered and adjudicated, and romantic love is an urgent adventure and requires repeated acts of abandoning common sense and enjoying a sort of emotional drunkenness. Maybe you're going to blaze a new trail and find romance with someone who is already a true friend. It's been known to happen.

Dear Mr. Blue,

Two years ago, I ended a marriage of five years to a woman who was as self-absorbed and awkward as I am. Before I met her, I had assumed that my basic inwardness would make finding a mate almost impossible, and I rushed into the marriage thinking that a small miracle had occurred. After a while I could no longer take care of her, and she could no longer take care of me, and we made an ugly divorce.

I am well and truly over her now, but I feel darkness creeping in. I always used to accept my fate, trying to enjoy myself and not dwelling too much on being alone; suddenly I find myself in deep despair. I have tried seeing a counselor, but I find myself back at square one -- older, fatter and tired at 30.

Do you have any shortcuts to recapturing the rapture of living? Or should I get cable TV and wait for this to pass?

Missing Something in Manhattan

Dear Missing,

It takes a long time to get over a divorce, especially an ugly one. There is so much business to be resolved, and if the two of you didn't resolve it, then you have to work it out alone, which takes time and then more time. You're not over her; you're still recovering, if you ask me. It used to be that a man would take this feeling of despair and darkness as an excuse to sign on as a deckhand and go to sea for a couple of years. Or to get on the train for the territories. There's something to be said for leaving town, you know. A whole big country is sitting out there, and it's far more interesting and capable of igniting rapture than cable TV will ever be.

Dear Mr. Blue,

What do you think of lovers sharing their journal writings with each other? One night recently I found myself reading select passages from my journal to my lover, which helped me to articulate certain things I may have felt too shy to express otherwise.

Is this madness? Why do we all want so badly to be known anyways?

mad journal girl

Dear Mad,

Whatever you want, girl. I mean, it's your writing, read it to anyone you like. But yes, it does strike me as odd. Sort of like keeping a lectern at the end of the bed and standing at it to deliver a speech. The only reason to read your journal to your lover is to impress him or her with your incredible wit. To use it to express intimate feelings seems, well, a little precious to me. But I'm from Minnesota, home of Gov. Jesse "The Body" Ventura, what do I know about subtlety?

Dear Mr. Blue,

My dad sprung an unexpected and intriguing offer on me this weekend -- he wants us to write a book together about a subject we're both interested in and care about. The thought of penning a book has me all aflutter, but I worry that working on such a long and involved project with my dad might be fraught with interpersonal peril, despite our great relationship. What to do?

Filially Conflicted

Dear Fils,

Well, what good is a father-son relationship if not to get you into perilous situations? Just make sure that you get a good hold on the tiller and don't let Dad run away with the project and turn you into a low-rent copy editor. Dads can be pushy. Tell him to draft an outline and give it to you on a disk; then you rewrite it and see how the old guy takes it.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I've been seeing this guy for a little over a month now, and after attending a few social events with him recently, I've come to the conclusion that he's, well, slow. He's paying all this attention to me and from his outpourings I gather he'll be really hurt if I broke it off. What do I do ?

Muddled in Manhattan

Dear Muddled,

You break it off. He'll be hurt. This will help speed him up for the next woman in his life.

Dear Mr. Blue,

After many years of writing no fiction at all, something that feels like an idea for a novel has suddenly popped into my head. My writing friends tell me a person needs to work up to writing a novel by writing short stories.

Is it naive to want to jump right into the deep end of the author pool?

Guppy

Dear Guppy,

This idea that has popped into your head: Put it down on paper. It will take its own form, as you work at it -- as the material subdivides and new information appears and some characters fade and others get clearer. There isn't a logical rule you can apply at the start. The writing itself will let you know.

Dear Mr. Blue,

After many years of telling myself writing was not practical, I decided I didn't care and began writing. I feel I've found a calling. However, I am worried that I am trying to do too much too soon. My writing teacher is encouraging me to send my works to literary journals, but I am not sure it is ready. I fear being turned off by too much early rejection. When do you know your work is ready for publishing?

Too Hopeful in the Heartland

Dear Hopeful,

You're ready to publish when you look at something you've written and cannot bear to think that it will go unread.

Dear Mr. Blue,

What makes something fiction and what makes it nonfiction? I was blocked for a long time and recently started writing a pretty much factual account of my life, the people in it, and I'm also embellishing little bits and pieces to make things flow better. I guess what I'm asking is, how much do I have to tweak and embellish in order for it to be fiction?

gt

Dear gt,

What you're writing is nonfiction that is struggling to become fiction, and it becomes fiction when the people in your life don't recognize themselves in your writing.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I'm a 21-year-old college student at UC-Berkeley who has been with a wonderful, intelligent man for three and a half years. He is 29, and I don't know why, but we fit together very well.

I had been planning on reevaluating our relationship after I graduate but now, six months before graduation, I am consumed by the feeling that I haven't been enough of a kid. I've been trying to meet other people my age and am enjoying their company immensely, though I feel like an ancient in child's clothing. I never really dated and now find myself wondering what it would be like. My partner and I have an open relationship, so I could see other people if I so choose, but somehow it's not the same. I'm starting to think 21 is too young to have a primary partner at all. My feelings toward my partner have gone from passionately romantic to affectionately friendly. Is this a phase I'm going through, or a symptom of something more serious? Is this even about him, or is it a deeper conflict within myself?

Too old too young
(All of the cynicism, none of the wisdom)

Dear Too Old,

Don't think so hard. You're 21, you're entitled to fall out of love without having to explain it to everybody. You used to be crazy about this guy, and now you want to be with people your age. Case closed.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I am 44, single, male. Somewhere around my 40th year, I underwent a psychological switcheroo, and my glamorous, independent lifestyle began to look increasingly dismal. I've become sick of my job, tired of city life and lonely. I keep searching for change or a motivation for change, but can't find anything that has real inspirational force. How does one break out of a pattern of living that no longer makes one happy?

Lonely in L.A.

Dear Lonely,

You could fall in love. God could speak to you and tell you what to do. Or you could steer yourself out of these waters. Leave Los Angeles and find work in a new place. You're young enough to do this. Work is a key for a guy your age, and though you're sick of your job, you undoubtedly have skills that can take you places. The motivation here is to give yourself the pleasure of casting off the old life, the adventure of discovering the new. That's what motivated thousands of Midwesterners to head for L.A., and they put Minneapolis in the rearview mirror and headed west, their hearts pounding. You simply do it, that's all. Head north. The change will cheer you up. You'll get a sense of mission, remaking your life, figuring out all the little stuff again. And the sad truth is that it's harder to find someone when you feel miserable.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I am a woman, 27, starting a career in advertising. My boyfriend is a successful advertising executive, 36. We moved in together two months ago, and I am not used to it at all: I don't feel I can be myself and I haven't had a good night's sleep the whole time. Sometimes I feel like we're bored with each other. He is in a different place in life and definitely a free spirit who either talks about his next motorcycling adventure or the fact that I will move up the ladder and he won't have to work anymore. I do love him and we do have a laugh, but I don't know if this works anymore. When I want to know about our future, he is vague. How do I get him to open up without annoying him?

What-is-us-all-about

Dear What About,

When you say that you can't be yourself with this guy, a little bell rings that indicates you took a wrong turn. So don't think about having a future with the biker exec. Find a quiet place and get a good night's sleep.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I married right after college to a great person, and now, 10 years later, mostly he irritates me and I find myself drawn to other men I meet through work, parties, etc. Am I bored? Going through a rough spell? Or did I marry too young and am I craving something else? We've lived abroad, traveled a great deal and are adventurous, so it's not like I missed out on life, yet I feel that way quite often. How do I sort out my feelings?

Conflicted

Dear Conflicted,

It's the seven-year itch three years late. Don't scratch it. Avoid being irritated. Be a little more solitary. Find reasons to give yourself time alone. Concentrate on being considerate and kind to him, and don't worry too much about your feelings. And think about what it is you want in life that you've missed out on, other than adultery. Consider that this may be a spiritual crisis and that you must face yourself and consult your soul, not seek rescue from a stranger at a party.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I wrote a book a few years ago that I've sent to several publishers and more than 20 agents, and I've gotten nothing but a few perfunctory shows of interest followed by form letters that said I was deluding myself.

I have a comfortable job working as a Web geek for a midmarket newspaper. When should I give up on the book? When should one realize that one is living in a state of self-delusion? How do you know if you suck? My grandfather imagined himself a great inventor. He invented a giant chute to be attached to skyscrapers that would allow people trapped in a fire to grab a small metal parachute and drop down the chute to safety. He built a test device and waited for years for a call from prospective buyers. The call never came. He was a fool, the Ed Wood of inventors. So, when do you give up?

Waiting to pick a path

Dear Waiting,

Authors find it hard to concede defeat; that is one of our problems. We soldier on against impossible odds and wind up squandering time and energy on work that, when other people look at it, they can't help but smirk. You can solve this problem by writing humor, sir. In humor, failure and delusion are simply incorporated into the act. Nothing bad happens to a humorist: Everything is material. Especially rejection.

Dear Mr. Blue,

How can I know if writing is the right profession for me? I'm near the end of college and will probably go to law school. It's the sensible way to go, and I feel I would enjoy a legal career. But I do feel some pull toward going into writing, though it is definitely not the "sensible" way to go. I feel as though I must make some decision.

Bewildered in Berkeley

Dear Bewildered,

Sounds like law school is the right way for you to go. You march in and when you march out, you've got a career. With writing, there's no way to know. It's like putting a pack on your back and setting out for Katmandu: no way to predict what might happen on the way, whether it'll be good or not so good.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I'm 38, never married, earn a very good living as a technical writer and own my own home. Two years ago I became romantically entangled with a married male friend, and a month ago he dumped me for another woman; he intends to leave his 18-year marriage for her. A few days after receiving this stunning news, I learned that I have a little one on the way. My (former) friend then informed me in no uncertain terms that he was not the slightest bit interested in raising another child and he'd gladly pay for me to "take care of things." I'm perfectly willing to raise a child by myself, but how idiotic am I to want to bring a child into the world, with the father unwilling to participate in his/her life, not to mention being pretty darn visible in the community? Will I be rearing an ax murderer? Moving to another town isn't an option; the only family I have is here and we are all very close.

Mother to Be

Dear M.T.B.,

Congratulations and God bless and let the neighbors think whatever they may. You and your family can raise this child, and he/she won't be an ax murderer. A satirist, maybe, but not a murderer.

Dear Mr. Blue,

Should one who has a romantic interest in a person who has been one's platonic friend for some time and has not responded to subtle but unmistakable invitations to become more involved abandon subtlety and explicitly tell that person so that he gets the message? Or should one consider the matter mutually understood? Are there any other reasonable options?

Ack

Dear Ack,

If your understanding is that your friend isn't romantically interested in you, probably your friend understands it the same way. Romantic feelings tend to get out somehow. And never abandon subtlety, except when someone is standing on your foot. Or when you're drowning.

Dear Mr. Blue,

Twice in the last three years I've had (don't tell Mom) one-night stands, both with friends. Both times, the lovemaking was preceded by a wonderful evening of talking and hanging out, and both times were memorable and wonderful, and both times the men told me they didn't want to get involved in a relationship with me. One of them said it in bed. Both men are extremely busy, but why wouldn't one of them at least take a chance? Am I missing something about myself?

Romantically Challenged

Dear R.C.,

I didn't know men had become so cautious. It's humorous, isn't it. In the peaceful afterglow, as you lie there sweaty and happy in the dark, smoking your post-coital cigarettes, the guy pipes up and says that he's not interested in seeing you on a regular basis. I say that you're lovely, you've let yourself be seduced twice by jerks and don't make a practice of it.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I am hung up on a man and it's driving me crazy. I am a 40-year-old woman in North Carolina getting my master's degree. I moved down here from NYC to be with this man and realized within a few months that he was a bit slippery and maybe not the best choice. We had a great sex life but couldn't really talk about the big stuff. We had a lot of fun and a lot of fights. I was just crazy about him but decided to break up with him. I was married once before and do not want to make another mistake. He is ambivalent about kids (and everything) and I would love to have a baby. I have about 15 remaining minutes of fertility. My life is a mess -- all I do is write papers, study, eat junk food and moon about this man. And now another man for whom I just don't feel a deep attraction wants to marry me. I am really not a twit. I am, in fact, pretty levelheaded. Honest Injun. At least I used to be. I could use some advice.

Desperate

Dear Desperate,

If you can stand to stick it out, do; get the degree, and go back to NYC, and leave this mooniness behind. Put some distance between you and the man you went to North Carolina to be with, and that'll help resolve things one way or the other. If he follows you north, then maybe you'd need to reconsider. Forget about marrying someone you're not deeply attracted to. Don't make any big decisions until you finish up your business there and get out of town.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I have been divorced for two years and am ready to date again, but at 34, all the men my age are attached and pushing strollers, or come with many pages of fine print. Worst of all, I'm in Washington, not a good place to meet single men unless one is interested in officious, career-obsessed lawyers. I am involved in a few activities, but around here it seems that when people finish their bird-watching, exercising, volunteer tutoring or whatever it is they have signed up for, they consult their schedules and march on to the next commitment. No chatting, no beers afterward: It's a city full of dutiful trudgers. How do I meet some new people?

All dressed up with noplace to go

Dear All Dressed,

Somewhere in Our Nation's Capital are men who are looking for you but trying not to be too obvious about it. Thus they keep schedules, but dates are meant to be broken if something better comes along. Flirt with one who looks promising and he may suddenly stop trudging and burst into song.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I'm a junior in college, and I broke up with my live-in boyfriend of two years in March because we couldn't get along. Two weeks later, he went out with another girl. Now it's November and he is still with her.

Even though I ended our relationship, I am STILL not over him. I've become extremely bitter about how quickly I was replaced. Also, I have not been out with anyone, I'm very picky and there is no one I'm interested in. My ex really bothers me. I am miserable and alone and he isn't, and that pisses me off. What can I do to stop feeling this way? I would rather not care either way about what happens to him. I'm sick of dwelling on this and HATE being bitter.

Lonely and Bitter in Boone, N.C.

Dear Lonely,

Put your souvenirs of that romance in a drawer, your pictures of the ex, and whenever you feel bitter toward him, open up the drawer and yell into it, tell him what an unprincipled little opportunist he is and how his life will be miserable as a result and he will never know true love and will probably contract cancer of the testicles and die in a nursing home just as he looks up and sees you on the TV screen accepting an award for Most Beautiful Good Person in America. Do this as often as you like, scream at him, rip him to shreds, but leave your bitterness there in the drawer; don't take it out of the house with you.
SALON | Nov. 17, 1998

Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue.
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