Salon Columnists

- - - - - - - - - -

S A L O N
E M P O R I U M
FREE! 12-ounce bag of Salon Blend with a purchase of $30 or more. While supplies last.

Lonely Scribe

Dear Lonely,

You say you're a writer and you don't mention anything you're working on, so I will venture to say that some of your depression may be due to your being between projects. Writers are a hardy breed, able to withstand long bouts of loneliness, so long as we have engaging work, and if we don't, we can be moody, no matter how many friends we have. Get out and see that city you're in, and invent a way to write about it. As for meeting new people, that's accidental. You know how to get into an accident: Be careless. So walk into people's paths and don't look to avoid them.

Dear Mr. Blue,

Before having kids, I was a newspaper editor at a big-city daily; since kids, I've been writing occasionally for the local paper and I'm told I'm a good writer. I want to begin writing freelance, but I'm going through a divorce after 12 years of marriage and I feel all shredded inside (even though I initiated the split). Is this a good time to be sending out pitch letters, or should I wait till my divorce is all settled and I feel more confident and happier in general? Some friends say that's a cop-out delaying tactic; others say, sure, wait till later.

Torn

Dear Torn,

A writer doesn't have big thresholds to cross. Writing is a life, and you slip into it, and then you're a writer: It's how you think, how you look at things. You don't send out announcements, you just write. So there's nothing to postpone. Be a writer. (I don't know what pitch letters are, sorry, and perhaps I don't want to know.) Write. Writing doesn't require confidence and happiness; it's simply what writers do.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I'm a gay male who used to spend a lot of time with a gay male friend and developed a crush on him, which became agonizing when he started dating someone else and ignoring me. Now they've broken up, he's got free time again and he wants to hang out. What to do? I don't want to return to quietly yearning for him.

Can't Go Back

Dear Can't,

If your friend wants to hang out and it causes you pain to hang out with him, then don't. Don't even think about it. The yearning is all on your side, evidently, and so this seems like an unequal relationship. Keep your distance. But don't blow him off. Crushes do wear off. He might turn out to be a great pal in a year or two.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I am 30 and have spent the past five years working very hard. I dated a few men, nothing serious, and now I have an overwhelming fear that it is too late for me. That I am beginning to get set in my ways, getting comfortable being single. I keep wondering if I should be more active in searching for a mate. What do you think?

Disillusioned in Dallas

Dear Dallas,

I have no idea what you're disillusioned about. You're young and you like your life and now you're feeling a little jittery about being alone -- that's fine. Disillusionment would be if you'd married an evil jerk when you were 17, had two kids by him and another kid by a bastard you met when you were 26, and now you're broke, alcoholic, you've given up on love and you hate waking up in the morning. That doesn't seem to be the case here. You're free and you work hard and you are thinking you'd like to have a mate. That's a good way to feel at the age of 30. You'll make a much better mate now than you would have 10 years ago, and so will he. Good luck.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I am a 29-year-old woman without even the hint of a relationship on the horizon, living in a rural area in a state full of spectacularly awful men. There is a physician in the next town who is within my age range whose wife passed away about a year ago. I find him attractive enough -- and I just happen to be looking for a new physician. I was thinking about setting up an appointment with him. I've heard good things doctor-wise about him. Is this is a good idea? Or a recipe for a bizarre encounter?

Looking

Dear Looking,

You have your own radar to tell you what is bizarre. The fact that you ask me suggests that you think it is. Whether you want to pursue it anyway is for you to decide. Surely there are other ways for you to meet this physician, if you are curious about him. Though the phrase "attractive enough" is hardly a ringing endorsement.

Dear Mr. Blue,

There is a good chance that in about a year I'll be offered the dream job that I've been working all my life to get. The trouble is that my spouse does not want to leave Austin and the job is 200 miles away in Houston. This is a long commute, even for a Texan like myself. Should I just plan on getting a small apartment there and driving back and forth every weekend?

Cruise Control

Dear Cruise,

You should devote some time to your spouse, to enjoying life together and dancing and eating fine meals and making love and talking, and so, if the job is offered to you, you'll be as close and tender with your spouse as you've ever been, and you can make the decision on that basis. If you're crazy about each other, then separation means one thing, but if you're on the outs, then it means something else.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I am 30, in the last weeks of planning my wedding. Two weeks ago, my father passed away after four months in a coma. His illness was unexpected and he never regained consciousness after the initial crisis. The pain of the loss is immense. He and I had a very close but conflicted relationship. I keep wishing I'd had a chance to say goodbye and set things right. My beloved and I don't want to postpone the wedding; we need a day of celebration. But I am not sure that I won't be reduced to tears when that day comes. How can I heal enough so that I can be emotionally functional and so that I remember my wedding day with joy?

Blubbering Bride

Dear Bride,

If I were your father, I'd want you to go ahead and have a big wedding. It will take you years to heal, and you can't postpone life while you do it: It has to take place in its own good time. You should lean on your beloved and let him lead you through this joyful time, and of course you will cry. You'll cry buckets. But it can be joyful at the same time as you grieve for your father. Your father loved you and he'd want you to move forward. You'll never forget him, you'll never resolve those conflicts with him, but go forward. That's a word of advice from a father.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I compose music and I'm 48 years old. I've always been an invisible middle-aged woman, but now there's this hot young drummer who makes me feel all naked in a crowd. Maybe the guy is just playing with me, but I'm playing back, which sort of thrills and horrifies me at the same time. He's a lovely, intelligent creature. I haven't ever been into younger men, but then again I haven't ever been this old. Except that I have no love life, the years have been kind to me. I love composing music -- and I would hate to screw it up on some deluded romantic side trip. What to do?

Waiting

Dear Waiting,

After a certain point, age doesn't matter so much in romance. What matters isn't how many years you have lived but how many you have left, and nobody knows that, and so a kind of equality falls upon us. If this young guy makes you feel naked, how lovely for you, and why would you back away from such a lovely feeling? You're not going to screw up your music by falling in love with him: You're not that fragile, are you? No, you're not. You're an adventurous middle-aged woman and you obviously want to take this side trip and so you will.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I'm 35, single, a freelance writer, involved with a 27-year-old man. We were casual acquaintances for a year, then fell into a rather steamy fling that doesn't end. Whenever one of us breaks things off, we get back together again.

The problem is that I'm ready for a relationship, maybe a family, but he is still sowing his wild oats and has flings with other women. I suspect he has deeper feelings for me than he will admit to and will settle down eventually; but I don't know if my heart can stand watching him pursue others with such wild abandon, even though I know they don't mean anything to him.

Is a maybe thing better than a nothing?

Wondering

Dear Wondering,

You need to pull away from him. No big scene, no confrontation, no tears, no long accusing letter, but just be distant, less available, less anxious, less interested. Take your eyes off him. Don't leap when the phone rings. Let the machine answer. Don't try to arrange time together. And see if he drops you or if he tries to reach out toward you. Let him decide that on his own. Do not pursue him or keep track of him or try to read his feelings. Let him figure this out.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I need to break up with a man, a fine fellow, humorous and generous and smart, who I've been with for two years. I have great affection for him, but I don't want to commit my life to him or even a few more years. I want nothing but good for him but I have to go. I need courage.

So Sad

Dear So Sad,

It's a hard thing to do, but it's easier after two years than after 10 or 20, so do it. If he's a fine and generous fellow, then he won't make you pay too heavily for it. Take him to dinner and look him in the eye and tell him it's all over and hand him a letter in which you tell him about all the wonderful times you've had together and how much he gave to your life and how you hope that you and he will be friends. And then kiss him goodbye. He'll be fine and so will you.

Dear Mr. Blue,

A few years ago, I was a starving writer and decided to learn about computers; an acquaintance offered to help. She was extremely kind and we became friends. She introduced me to the CEO of a start-up company, who hired us both on a trial basis, and at the end of the trial he offered a full-time writing job to me, and not to my friend. Since then, my income has tripled, I travel, my work has won awards, I have valuable stock options and my friend has had a rocky and precarious life. When we do things together, I usually pay. I've tried to help her but I cannot relieve my sense of debt. I feel guilty -- what should I do?

In the Doldrums

Dear Doldrums,

You don't owe your friend any more. She gave you a hand, but the rest you achieved on your own, and you should feel good about that and not guilty. It's fine for you to try to help her, but do it for its own sake, not as repayment. You can't be her friend as a matter of obligation -- that's the worst kind of friend -- so try to be an honest friend, if you can, and if you can't, then wish her well and say goodbye.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I am an 18-year-old male college student who's in love with a girl at a university far away whom I have met only once in person and then carried on a relationship by telephone and e-mail. She is stunningly beautiful, a woman of wit and charm and soul. She makes me feel indescribably good when we talk. The problem is that she and I have never talked about relationships. Should I summon up the courage to tell her my feelings?

Bashful in Beantown

Dear Bashful,

You don't need to talk about "relationships." That's the last thing to talk about. Talk about what you see and hear, what is close to your heart, what you think, and when you get a chance, tell her how wonderful she is. And if she is willing to accept that you think she is wonderful, then surely she will want to see you again, and then, at some natural point, you will lean forward and tell her that you are in love with her. She might scream and call the cops, or throw her head back and laugh a horrible sardonic laugh that breaks your heart, or throw her arms around you and say that she's in love with you, or she might do something else that I can't imagine -- but that's up to her. But what a fine compliment you pay, sir -- "a stunningly beautiful woman of wit and charm and soul" -- it's as if you're describing my wife. If you are, I will kill you with a butcher knife. If you're talking about someone else, I wish you all the best.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I'm a writer in Chicago, who's been smitten with a charming and charismatic minister from Scotland. We're an item and falling for each other. But he intends to go back to Scotland, and I want to settle down and have babies not too far from home. In June, I met an older guy from Iowa. Physically, I don't feel attracted to him. He annoys me. I feel myself drifting off during our conversations. Yet, I have a nagging feeling that if I gave him a chance and opened my heart, he could be good for me. Help?

Muddled in Chicago

Dear Muddled,

This strikes me as stupid. You want to trade someone you're smitten with for someone who annoys you? OK, go ahead, but that's like turning down my mushroom risotto for a Big Mac -- why ask me for permission? Scotland is not Siberia. Scotland is unbelievably beautiful, green, full of wild eccentrics, rock walls, kind people, handsome sheep, fabulous nature, gorgeous cities, wit, culture, music and so forth. If you can't consider Scotland as a place to have babies with someone you're crazy about, then you're not interested in love, you're interested in breeding. Find a sperm donor.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I am 32, have been joyously married for about a year and a half and want very much to have children, but I am concerned about our marriage, which hasn't really been stressed yet. Nora Ephron says that having a baby is like having a bomb go off in your marriage. I am wary, though my husband wants kids and sees it as the next logical step in the relationship.

Is it more foolish to start a family in the next year or so while we both want one so much, or to wait a few more years until I can be sure the marriage is structurally sound? And how does one coddle children and marriages at the same time?

Mother-to-be-to-be

Dear MTBTB,

If you are joyously married, then why entertain thoughts of trouble? Just be joyous. You want kids, your husband wants kids, so you should move ahead. Nora Ephron is a humorist, and those people exaggerate. If you and your husband want to have another year or two or three of simple twofold bliss and freedom and spend a summer in Provence looking each other in the eye over fine dinners and having sex on sailboats, fine, but don't postpone the family you both want because you imagine the worst. If you'd described your marriage as troubled or boring, I wouldn't speak so freely, but you said it is joyous, so what more joyful thing can you do than have a baby?
SALON | Dec. 15, 1998

Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue.

Bookmark http://www.salonmagazine.com/col/keil/