Salon Columnists

- - - - - - - - - -

Dear Windbag: You're no writer -- you're just a schlump who wants to screw a colleague

Sleepless on Long Island

Dear Sleepless,

If your wife thinks you're a major undiscovered writer, she's wrong. You're not. A major writer would've written a better letter. Yours I've cut by about two-thirds, and it wasn't long elegant sentences that I cut. And evidently your wife is wrong to be so loyal to you. You have a conversation with your colleague and immediately you're in love with her and you imagine that she's crazy about you and you're ready to throw over your predictably loyal wife. Fine. Go right ahead. But don't imagine that you're a major writer whose gigantic talent somehow justifies his personal dishonesty. You're not. You're just a schlump teaching composition who wants to screw a colleague. Good luck.

Dear Mr. Blue,

My wife and I are in our mid-30s and have been with each other for almost five years. We have a great relationship, love each other very much and have great fun together. But our sex life is terrible! My wife can't get in the mood unless everything is just right -- candlelight, soft music, romantic ambience and a great deal of foreplay and teasing. And God forbid if anything breaks her mood. When things work perfectly, it's wonderful, but more often than not, we end up frustrated and angry.

I would like to have sex more spontaneously. Just once, I'd like us to run to the bed and do it on top of the unfolded laundry. We have tried to talk about this, but we just end up arguing about it, with her telling me that I should get a book on how to have sex with a woman. Should I just get used to 45 minutes of foreplay and sex by candlelight?

Confused, but ready

Dear Confused,

This doesn't sound terrible to me. Maybe inconvenient, but hardly terrible. You can't speak French to your wife if her language is Danish -- it's about that simple. Don't argue about this anymore. Just speak her language. She knows what excites her and she's made it clear to you: Her erotic imagination is aroused by the slow steady progression toward the temple. Accept it. You are able to play her game and she can't play yours, so play it her way and play it elegantly and wholeheartedly. You may be surprised, as you throw yourself into this stately drama, at your own pleasure in it, as you become more and more adept, which surely you will. Add a couple elements of your own -- silk pajamas, a tiny dish of caviar, a dish of warm oil -- and gradually, over the years, introduce a few pieces of unfolded laundry into the ritual. In 50 years she may come to be so stimulated by the sight of unfolded laundry that she will grab you and throw you down on top of it and ravish you. Meanwhile, you can have a wonderful sex life on her terms.

Dear Mr. Blue,

Thirteen years ago, I married a brilliant scientist with a great sense of humor. We have two beautiful children who I love with all my heart. My husband is a good provider (I work too), reliable and does not cheat on me. But we have problems. He is a Republican and very simplistic about moral issues. He drives a very fast, very small car that terrifies me. Although he loves our kids dearly, he's totally absent-minded with them to the point that he's unaware of what they're up to, and he shows such poor judgment with them that I'm not comfortable leaving them with him. And he's been involved for the past two years with a religious group that thinks the man should make all the decisions in the family. I don't want to go through a divorce, but I'm having such a hard time now. I feel I don't have a partner but a rebellious teenage son who is out of control. What should I do? I feel like I can't move.

In a Vise

Dear In a Vise,

If the man is out of control, there's not much you can do except protect your children and yourself as best you can. But I think you might try to learn more about his religious feelings. Your husband is searching for spiritual ground, and you should go along with him, if only to get a clearer idea of what he's looking for. Try to keep an open mind and don't judge the group by its most prohibitive tenets. If this is a Christian group, they may hold that the man is the head of the family, but concomitantly believe that the man must exercise this leadership in a loving and caring way and not leave you feeling lonely and scared. If he is committed to this group, then perhaps you and he could find warmhearted counseling there. His search may offer you a basis for working out some of these problems. Walk with him a little way. Republicanism is a problem, but if he still has a sense of humor, maybe you can kid him out of it.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I have been involved with a married man who is also my boss for almost a year. I am 41 and he is 56. The chemistry was immediate when we first saw each other. We flirted for a year before we went out on a date. On that date, he told me that he has been married for 15 years to his second wife and would not leave her, that she is going through menopause and the passion is just not there anymore. I know he likes me a lot, but he is unwilling to change his current situation. I've heard rumors of his inappropriate behavior with other women in the office. Don't you think his marriage is down the tubes? I believe men who exhibit Clintonesque behavior are unhappy in their marriages.

Calm me down. I want to call his wife.

Upset

Dear Upset,

You walked into this story with your eyes open, and it isn't a very good story in the long run. You need to start another one. A year isn't so long. It's when you let it go on for four or six or 10 or 15 years that it gets really hard. Close the door gently and walk away and keep walking. Don't call up anybody unless you want to call a friend and get her reading on the situation. This is mine.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I'm a 33-year-old female college professor whose past two relationships with men (one younger, one older) have each lasted less than a year. Both ended when the guy told me that there was someone else he'd rather be with and that "she's not as intelligent as you but ..." In both cases, the guy was going after a 20-year-old coed. Until this point, I had never believed that smart women had a hard time attracting men, nor had I believed that I was over-the-hill. From 19 to 31, I had three long-term (three- to five-year) monogamous relationships (all of which ended because of career moves), so I have reason to believe that I'm a decent girlfriend. I fear that it was OK to be smart as long as I was young and cute, but now that I am just smart (and kind), I'm of no use to men. Does a single 30-something woman have any hopes for romantic happiness in a sea of perky, malleable coeds?

Analytical

Dear Analytical,

Forget the past two guys. They don't count. Much too casual to even be called a relationship. And their parting line is so unclassy, you have to feel sorry for whatever 20-year-old woman they might have wound up with. If you want to take a long hard look at yourself, go ahead, but don't do it through the eyes of a couple of guys who were just passing through. Everyone needs to stop and assess herself now and then. You use the terms "perky" and "malleable" sarcastically, of course, but start there. Except, instead of "perky," let's say "cheerful good humor," and instead of "malleable," "responsive." These are qualities that any of us respond to, not only men, and as we get older, and sorrow settles on us, and we learn less readily, we tend to darken and stiffen. One needs to be aware of these changes, whether single or married, woman or man, and by God lighten up a little and get out of one's rut. And an educated person needs to be on guard against arrogance.

I disagree that men are turned off by intelligence. I do think that what attracts us most to another person is her love of life and also that she has room for us in her life. And then there is the matter of chemistry and happenstance and the sweet mystery of life.

N E X T+P A G E +| When love walks in, we freak out, get nervous, say dumb things and worry about it afterward