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WHEN LOVE WALKS IN, WE FREAK OUT, GET NERVOUS, SAY DUMB THINGS AND WORRY ABOUT IT AFTERWARD | PAGE 1, 2
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Scared at Nineteen

Dear Scared,

If you were an outgoing girl not long ago, you will be again, and meanwhile don't be hard on yourself. It's a big deal, leaving home, whether you're 19 or 39, and a person can get scared, and when you do, you tend to feel not so charming as you once were, not so quick to say something funny, not so sure exactly who you are. But you bravely stepped up to this boy you're attracted to and you had some sort of exchange with him. "Freaked out" -- what does that mean? That you suddenly lost your confidence, got tongue-tied, blurted out something awkward? Well, those things happen to us all, believe me. It's a bumpy road. Especially romance. That's why it's the subject of a trillion songs and stories and plays and movies. Because when love walks in, we freak out, get nervous, say dumb things and worry about it afterward. You have great friends, so you're not antisocial: You're simply a long way from home and living life. I admire your bravery and wish you well.

Dear Mr. Blue,

The man I was engaged to told me last month that he doesn't want to marry me after all. I'm dealing with that, but he insists that he wants us to remain close friends. I was willing to try that, too, but if I don't send him e-mail every day, he starts reeling me back in with calls and attention. When I start getting secure in that close space, he ignores me for a few days until I stop initiating contact. I'm thinking that this friend thing isn't doing good things for my emotional well-being, but when I try to tell him that I'm going to take some time off, he gets really upset.

I've written three chapters of a novel I'm excited about, but this "push me/pull you" game has really squelched my muse. Should I just cut him off and finish the novel, or is it possible to remain close friends?

Wanting to Be a '90s Kind of Woman

Dear Wanting,

Real friends cut each other some slack and let the friendship find its own level, as time goes on, as the rhythm of life dictates, according to their needs. This guy is behaving badly, probably because he's emotionally at sea, and you shouldn't indulge him, especially as you have a book under way and ought to pay attention to it. Tell him that you're going to take time off, starting now. Be true to your book; don't let him get between you and what you're about to write. You need to be a little ruthless about this. Inspiration doesn't come along every day, so don't fritter it away. Don't discuss this with him, and don't mind if he gets upset. Ignore him. When the book is done, throw a party to celebrate, and invite him.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I have been dating a wonderful man, a writer I met through an online dating service, for about four months. He is 49, 10 years older than I am, and he lost his wife of many years just over a year ago. We corresponded for two months before we finally met in person.

The problem is that I find myself very much in love with him, and I don't know how he feels about me. I've told him I think he's smart, attractive, etc., but he has never said anything similar, or even said that he likes me. We see each other one night a week and usually spend the weekend together. We've met each other's families and gone on trips together. He fixes things around the house for me and buys me little presents. He makes long-range plans that involve the two of us. He often acts loving. And the sex is fabulous. Yet we don't seem to be able to talk about feelings and goals. Am I crazy to need to hear how he feels in words? Am I rushing things too much?

Confused in CA

Dear Confused,

Romances don't come with a schedule, but it sounds as if you two went straight from First Date to Late Middle Marital and skipped some intermediate steps, such as courtship. I suppose that if you had postponed having sex with him, his sexual urge would have led him to make rather grand pronouncements of love and devotion, and even take elaborate vows. No, you're not crazy to want to hear him say how he feels. My guess is that he doesn't know and he doesn't want to lie. He's getting over the loss of his wife, which may take years and years. You two have arranged to be lovers, provisionally, and that is all you can expect for a while. Yes, it strikes me that you're rushing, considering his circumstances.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I'm 28 and back in college to earn my B.A. I want to be a writer; and I love to write and do it all the time. The problem is that I don't like to read. All the forced reading in high school and college really ruined it for me. Teachers in my writing program tell me that if I want to write, I have to read everything I can, every chance I get. I am brushing up on the classics and some modern works, but in general, I don't have time. I believe I can prove them wrong and become a writer without being a voracious reader. Do you agree?

A Nonreading Writer

Dear Non,

Yes, I agree with you. Your teachers are right to urge you to read, but that is a separate pleasure from the joy of writing. While the work of other writers can be useful to you, it's not essential that you read voraciously. The urge to commit to paper is the crucial thing, and then the ability to narrow the eye on one's own work and edit and rewrite, which is even more crucial. Reading can sharpen your eye, perhaps. But it isn't necessarily what impels one to write.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I'm 16 and I love to write poetry (teen angst is a good muse). Out of curiosity, I'm wondering if mental disorder --- manic-depression, for example --- facilitates the writing process. I've heard of studies done on artists who say that after taking Prozac their creative tendencies waned.

Confused

Dear Confused,

There is research that claims to show a much higher incidence of depression, psychosis, alcoholism and suicide among creative people, though nobody claims to show a causal relationship between mental disorder and creativity. Serious mental disorders can destroy a writer as they might destroy anyone else, and there are plenty of great artists who led stable and happy lives. And most artists, I believe, would say that their work comes from the part of them that is strong, not from a weakness or disorder.

Dear Mr. Blue,

At 21, in love, I got married. Nine months later, my husband cheated and filed for divorce. It crushed my heart. That was four years ago, and though I've been dating, I've felt no caring for, or bond with, anyone I've dated. I'm mildly interested at best, and only for a short while. After two months (you could set a clock by it) I become ambivalent.

I hate being a cold fish. I am afraid that I will overlook a man with whom I can make a wonderful life. Loneliness is my greatest fear. How can I stimulate my old, thoughtful, loving self? Or do I just wait around hoping that the right man will come along and I won't be able to help myself from falling in love?

In Search of Faith

Dear Search,

You've been through a ferocious hard time at a young age, and it takes longer than one imagines to pull out of these harrowing times. Your old thoughtful loving self is still there, and the lack of romance in your life doesn't say otherwise. You're doing the right thing. You're seeing people and (I hope) enjoying their company, and you're not letting yourself plunge into some desperate romance ignited by the fear of loneliness. Your letter could well have said, "It crushed my heart ... two months later I married an alcoholic ex-con 30 years older than me," but it didn't, because you are guarding your heart so it will heal. After two months of dating someone, at about the point where the two of you would rightly wonder about each other's interest, you wisely withdraw into a protective ambivalence. Don't try to overcome it. You're 25 and that's much too young to worry about not having a mate. So don't. You're a fine person, you're not filled with anger toward the husband who betrayed you and you're going to have a good life.

Dear Mr. Blue,

For two years my whole life has been turned upside down, ripped apart, stomped on and then thrown off a cliff, and now that the worst is over, I wonder how in the world I can fix all of the idiotic things I did while I was running around in grief making idiotic decisions? I quit a job I loved and took another that I hated and charged up unspeakable amounts on credit cards. The choices I made were all my fault, but I truly don't have a clue as to how to put the broken pieces of my life back together.

Stupid

Dear Stupid,

You're not. And your life isn't broken. You've gone through a bad patch and now your senses have returned, and naturally you feel contrite, but don't beat up on yourself. Really. Unless you've left out some particularly heinous details, perhaps involving plastic bags and body parts, you haven't fallen off any cliff that the rest of us haven't.

Dear Mr. Blue,

why is it that at 33, looking the best i ever have, working at a good job and in a happy habitat, i have no one to share my life with? i get offers of dates, but none fits the bill. as i look back there were some lovely men i left behind. at the rate my contemporaries have married and started families, i'm feeling more blue now than ever about it. i definitely do not wish to grow old alone, but i've realized i already am! what's a girl to do??

lonely

Dear Lonely,

I think you should start using capital letters immediately. It's OK to write in lower-case until you're 20, but you're beyond that now. And maybe you should accept one or two of these date offers and get to know men before you decide they're not right for you. Thirty-three is not "old" by anyone's estimation. You're young, looking good, a happy inhabitant and you're ready for romance. Don't be blue. It's a great time of life.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I've been married for a year to a wonderful, kind, patient man whom I adore. The problem is that when he wishes to initiate sex, he turns to me and says, "Wanna get frisky?" I find this less than alluring. We used to kiss for hours, have long conversations and stare deeply into each other's eyes. "Wanna get frisky" just seems so blunt. And however frisky I might have felt, when he says that, all desire on my part to frisk has fled. I try to subtly reintroduce romance into our relationship by giving him massages with scented oil or suggesting creative uses for maple syrup, but these just seem to be beside the point as far as he's concerned and he continues to use that "frisky" line as his sole romantic overture. What should I do?

Long, Cold Winter in Akron

Dear Akron,

You're right, it's dumb, so tell him. Just say, "I love you and I cringe when you say that," and ask him to come up with a code phrase you like better. We all lead busy, complicated lives, and it isn't always possible to build up to lovemaking gradually, using massage oil or maple syrup. Sometimes you need to just look the other person in the eye and say, "Want to jump off the cliff?" or whatever your phrase is. "Want to tap the maple?" "Want to pick up the baton?"

Dear Mr. Blue,

I have been seeing a charming man for six months and have begun to love him, and though he says he cares deeply for me, he won't say those four words I long to hear: "I love you, too." I told him that when I say I love you I need that someone to say, "I love you, too," and that if he can't say that to me, maybe I'm not the one for him. He's says it's too soon to know if we're really right for each other. What do you think?

Sad

Dear Sad,

Nobody likes to be prompted and coaxed to express affection, like a child being pushed forward to kiss Grandma, and you shouldn't push your boyfriend to say it. It's really very simple: Do you love his company and look forward to seeing him? If you do, then settle for his company for now and let him figure out how he feels and how he wants to express it and when.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I am 33, a woman and a playwright. I love to flirt, with men and women, and I do love a bawdy turn of phrase. People think I'm a vixen and a bitch. The truth is I am lonely beyond belief right now. I wonder if maybe I am too bold in my conversation and scare men away, but I so hate the idea of having to tone myself down to find a date. I crave physical affection so much. How can a strong woman find love?

The Passionate Playwright

Dear Passionate,

Some people can use a little toning down, whether to find a date or on general principle. I know a woman who brays when she laughs and talks too loud, and she is looking for somebody and wonders why it's so hard. Well, she's a strong woman, but you don't have to yell to be strong. She doesn't need to be demure, just to crank down the volume a little. It isn't attractive. As for bawdy talk, it's all very entertaining, but it could very well be off-putting to a man who's interested in courting you. He'd probably rather you be bawdy with him personally and not to the world in general.

Dear Mr. Blue,

Unrequited love is a source of pain in many people's lives, including my own. What is it about humans that makes us so bullheaded that we won't give up and see the writing on the wall even when the letters are 10 feet tall? I always believed in soul mates, but I'm beginning to wonder if we're all just too self-destructive to find them.

World-Weary from Washington

Dear World-Weary,

You're describing what is noble and endearing about people, their refusal to give up. There are 10-foot letters on all of our walls, and they spell "mortality," but we don't stop breathing on account of it. We search for soul mates, and in the process we find people who amuse us and alarm us and turn out to be interesting companions. We live in the hope of writing a great masterpiece and in the process of failing to do so, we manage to do other useful things. Spring will come to Washington soon, and your weariness may lift somewhat in the delirium of all those blossoming trees and flowers.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I'm 37, a happily married woman with two young children. I recently have become very good friends with a 26-year-old single male colleague. We talk about movies and computers, and I amuse him with stories of the circus that is everyday family life. Here's the problem. I'm pretty sure this guy is in love with me, even though one of the things he likes most about me is the respectful, loving relationship I have with my husband. Am I doing this man a favor inviting him over for dinner and Monopoly with the family and taking up social time that might be spent looking for a younger, freer version of me? Do I have any responsibility here?

Anxious

Dear Anxious,

At 26 a guy can be in love with you in a sweet, hopeless way, loving you and your family together, a sort of practice romance, trying out the feelings, and if he has no romantic attachments right now, this might be awfully pleasurable for him. Of course it would be cruel of you to toy with his feelings, but it doesn't sound as if you are doing that, and so what's the harm in bringing him home with you? Your responsibility is simply to be clear about your own feelings, and he can sort his out on his own. So many friendships have faint erotic overtones, and it's no problem so long as your good friend doesn't one day blurt out his feelings for you, and then the dog is out of the yard, and you have to put him back in his place.
SALON | Feb. 2, 1999

Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue.

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