Salon Columnists

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Is seven years without sex grounds for divorce?

Rejected

Dear Rejected,

Nobody would blame you if you divorced your husband on grounds of incompatibility. Seven years of marriage without physical intimacy is sad to contemplate. If you can't bring yourself to do that, then your second option is to seek sex outside of marriage, which is not so difficult, certainly not at a college. A discreet relationship, whose purpose is mutual comfort and sustenance, in which the lovers respect each other's situations, might suit you very well. Of course your third option is to learn to accept life as it is, which is also possible. If your husband has accepted it, I don't think that changing him is going to be an option.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I am 31 years old and have been happily married for eight years to a wonderful man. Two years ago, while working online, I did a search on an old boyfriend's name for kicks. We had had an exciting, yet extremely troubled relationship, and I hadn't thought of him in years. I found out he is completing a Ph.D., quite the academic, and married. Now I find myself trailing him online, looking for more clues about his "new" life, and wondering if he ever thinks of me. Why my obsession with some guy (who wasn't all that wonderful to begin with) I dated in the '80s?

Online in Austin

Dear Online,

It's just human curiosity, ma'am, which most of us suffer from, and it's especially strong in regard to former loves. Where are they and what are they having for breakfast and who are they having it with? You do no harm trailing him so long as you only browse and don't start making impulsive phone calls at 2 a.m. or send e-mail asking, "Do you ever think of me?" A person can only live one life at a time, and you have one already. Keep Mr. Wonderful in the foreground and keep Mr. Trouble in the Yesterday bin.

Dear Mr. Blue,

How can you tell if a writer is good or might become decent with a little guidance? And how can you tell if you're potentially attractive or hopeless? Would counseling help, or should I run away to the desert and live the life of a recluse hermit-poet, living on lizard spines and cactus juice, where my writings will be discovered a thousand years from now? I write almost every day, but a little advice would be appreciated.

Shaky

Dear Shaky,

A young writer may have to write his way through some bad stuff, and there's no point worrying about the quality of it -- it's bad, that's all, false and pretentious and clumsy, but somehow you sustain yourself on blind ambition and the love of writing and a certain arrogance, and eventually you come into the clear. Don't worry about whether you're good or not until you start to tire of the game and are ready to lay your cards down. As for whether you're attractive or not, it all depends on who you're with and whether you want to attract them or not. Avoid the hermit life if possible. The price of it is usually insanity, and that's no picnic.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I'm an empty nester alone in my nest, trying to keep busy. My husband I see irregularly; he travels a lot for work and spends time with a group of buddies from work. Both of us have aging parents in town who require care, and that leaves little time for us. So I'm feeling neglected. He says I'm his No. 1 priority, but it doesn't feel that way. This week he's in the mountains skiing with the guys. I had a tantrum when I heard that they invited some female colleagues up to ski for the day with them. Am I being selfish and unreasonable? Please advise.

Mrs. Lonely

Dear Mrs. Lonely,

Nothing wrong with being selfish and unreasonable, but your problem is bad strategy. Don't try to maneuver your husband into paying attention to you. He's got his life worked out, and you need to get a life of your own. A job, a mission, something to give yourself to. Jump out of the nest and have an adventure. Travel on your own, with your own friends. Hire some help to care for the old folks. Don't sit at home listening for his key in the door. Let him get curious about what you're up to and come looking for you.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I live with a woman who is dear to me, whose well-being I would place above my own. It makes me feel good to see her smile and laugh, and the thought of hurting her makes me physically cringe. She suffers from poor self-esteem at times and has a hard time making friends, so I feel like I'm the whole show.

The problem is that I'm falling for a woman I've known and been friends with for a year or so. We've spent more and more time with each other. We've talked about how we feel about each other, but apart from a few stolen kisses at a New Year's party we've acted as we always have. She's planning on moving away in a few months, and I feel my time with her quickly slipping away.

I don't want to hurt someone who is dear to me, yet I feel like I have a dishonest relationship with her. I want to spend time with Woman X, but I know she won't change her life plans to stay here with me (especially since I'm with someone else), and I feel like I'm setting myself up for a hard fall when she skips town. I feel totally unequipped to deal with the situation in which I've wedged myself without causing emotional damage to three people I hold dear.

Mr. Cake

Dear Mr. Cake,

My advice is: Be a dear and do nothing precipitous. Stay friends with Mlle. X and go on living with Mlle. Y and deal with your situation one step at a time, in your own good time. The first step is to figure out this "dishonest relationship." Don't let restlessness rule your heart. But if you don't love her, then tell her it's time to part and deal with it together. You're not her whole show, but you're important, and you ought not simply run away with Mlle. X, whom you may be using as a wedge to pry yourself free of Mlle. Y and her neediness. Let Mlle. X move away. If you feel strongly about her in six months, you can go looking for her.

N E X T+P A G E +| My old lover (married) and my new lover are jealous of each other, and I'm torn in two