Salon Columnists

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Should I worry about my boyfriend's pornography habit?

Cautious

Dear Cautious,

Be open-minded. You know what your boyfriend thinks about sex by the way he treats you, and as for the videos and magazines and what they mean to him, I'm not sure you can know that. The realm of the erotic is haunted by fears and fraught with anxiety, and it may be that sexually explicit material induces fantasies that help a man find out about his erotic feelings. Or maybe he just gets a big whoop out of it. In any case, it's got to be his business, so long as he doesn't seem to obsess on the stuff. If he starts wearing leather pajamas, though, you ought to start asking questions.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I am 58, a woman who has had eight books published, was married 20 years, then divorced. My last lover was 10 years ago. I am content enough, but I feel sad that I may never have a really happy relationship again or a really successful book. I don't feel old and wise, mostly old and angry.

Morose in Montana

Dear Morose,

A mood of defeat is hard to shake, but don't let it become habitual, a part of your disposition, or else when you're 82 and full of piss and vinegar, in love with some 75-year-old guy, out dancing till dawn, you'll look back and wonder, "Why did I waste my late 50s in self-pity?" Your next book may amaze you and make you a star with a pile of fascinating offers on your desk -- a book you suffered over in solitude that the American people clutch to their bosoms -- and next week you may turn a corner and a man looks at you and you look back at him and an invisible violinist plays "Liebeslied" and the scent of daffodils wafts over you. These things happen, and you need to be ready for them.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I'm 29, and the two real relationships I've been in have both ended with the woman saying there was no chemistry between us. I'm intelligent, articulate, considerate and funny, a good companion. But where romance is concerned, I have a very cautious approach and a strong aversion to risk-taking (scars that remain from my teenage social ineptitude). I don't flirt or seduce; I befriend. That same easygoing style persists when I'm in a relationship. I'm worried that this behavior is sabotaging my chances for a long-term relationship -- that it neutralizes any initial passion or mystery, rendering me harmless and unexciting in the eyes of my partner. But my attempts to come across more charismatically just feel unconvincing and fall flat.

Can I find -- and keep -- Ms. Right without having to sweep her off her feet? What do you think?

The Anti-Catalyst

Dear Anti,

It's only romance, it isn't a movie or an election, so you don't need to come across more charismatically or sweep anyone off her feet, but, yes, it's better for a liaison to begin in a state of passion, something more than friendship. You're not responsible for providing that. It's a feeling that builds between two people. The two women were only pointing out a fact, not accusing you, and undoubtedly they were right -- you don't seem to be grieving the loss of them. It is good to be cautious, but you want to be alert, your senses alive, when you go to the dance, knowing that She may be there, the woman who can sweep you off your feet, for whom you are willing to extend yourself and become a far better man than you really are. I think you're a little boring, but she won't, and when you sense that, you won't be, you'll be a fascinating and handsome guy, and that shining moment will change your life, pal. We each have the capacity for a sorrowful gray life, and each have the capacity to love and be loved, and it's passion that turns us away from the first and toward the second, a primal urge toward beauty and color and music and laughter. And now please excuse me while I go lie down for a moment.

Dear Mr. Blue,

My 33-year-old guy has dumped me just as things were getting warm and close, and I truly despair of ever having another. Forget guys my age; I've just turned 55. I am still in love with The Kid. I mean, I just like him, to pieces. Maybe if you explained it to him.

Kick-Ass Granny

Dear Granny,

If you're in love with The Kid, go tell him so, but in the end you have got to let him find his own way. Maybe the age difference scares him. It's unusual for a man to be involved with a woman 22 years older, and goodness knows, there have got to be reasons for that. Maybe he wants to have kids. Maybe, even if his mind thinks otherwise, his body wants to have kids. Anyway, you are working against long odds here, and while I admire your spirit, I don't have any good advice for how to beat the averages.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I have a wonderful partner I've been seeing for several years now. He's 31 and I'm 28, we are both graduate students and have lots and lots in common and I'm starting to want to come home to him every night and vice versa. I'd like us to live together, but he says he is not ready. He needs a certain amount of time to himself and he's never lived with a partner. I respect his feelings but I'm worried that it signals a larger problem in the relationship. I want a relationship wherein I live with my partner. So even though everything feels good, I'm wondering if it would be better for me to leave it and find someone who wants what I want, or if I should wait and see. What do you think?

Shacked Up

Dear Shacked,

Having a lot in common with a guy isn't the same as being crazy about him, and probably he isn't crazy about you, and that's why he doesn't want to give up his privacy. A reasonable feeling on his part. It's up to you whether you stick with him or let go of him, and I wouldn't presume to tell you which you should do. But you can't argue with his honesty.

N E X T+P A G E +| With love, the pleasure is in the details, not in the theory