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SHOULD I WORRY ABOUT MY BOYFRIEND'S PORNOGRAPHY HABIT? | PAGE 1, 2
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Longing in Los Angeles

Dear Longing,

Don't theorize about your own romances, friend. Be thrilled, be ecstatic, be desolate, but don't be an expert about you and the people you love and why it happened. With love, the pleasure is in the details, not in the theory. Love has to do with her eyes, the touch of her hand, her voice, her laughter, how it felt to stand next to her and feel her brush against you, how it felt to see her after a long absence. Love isn't a Problem to sit around and discuss. If your heart still longs for her, then you are in love, and her idea about why it didn't work out is something that may give her consolation but it doesn't mean anything to you or me.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I have been writing all my life, scribbling, and a few years ago began to honor my gift and now have begun to see my work in print. Now I'm being asked to do a couple of readings, and I'm scared to death. I've given speeches before, and readings too, quite well, but these words are different. These words are from my guts. Your advice, please.

Looking over the cliff

Dear Looking,

It's good to be scared before a reading; it means you respect the audience. Now get your act together, and decide what to read to them. Don't waste their time. Give them your best. Don't talk too much by way of introduction and explanation. Don't go on too long, period. Don't expect to have any sense of success as you read -- it just isn't going to be there, so don't look for it and don't panic when you feel crummy. You never know what people take away from a reading -- it may be one image or one line or one story that sticks with them and becomes part of their dream life and changes ever so slightly the way they feel about their oatmeal. Don't worry about how the audience is taking it. Just deliver the goods, and at the end say thank you and sit down.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I have left a two-year relationship with a man with whom I was very much in love, but I could not deal with his daily use of marijuana, his dealing it, his history of cocaine use and sexual promiscuity. What causes a person to be self-destructive like this? He seemed to want to pursue a future together and have kids, but he gave up. He has a high-level management job that he loves. Are certain people inherently self-destructive, or can love make a person clean up his act?

Just Asking

Dear Just,

You did the right thing and you're not in any way responsible for this man's choices. You're also not responsible for figuring him out. Yes, I think that we each have an urge to find out where the bottom is and what it feels like to almost crash and how close can you come to destruction and still avoid it, and what a thrill it is to escape. That's his urge -- to deal marijuana and avoid prison and thus to enjoy the euphoria of living by his own rules and not Daddy Government's -- and he pursues it in brazen ignorance of grim facts that would terrorize you and me. I think that the war on drugs is a national scandal; that decent people who never harmed a soul are serving horrific prison sentences; that we cannot punish people for trying to escape a certain vacuity and boredom inherent in our suburban, shopping-mall, TV-sitcom culture. But the fact is that prison is a grim prospect, and anyone who deals marijuana these days is terribly foolish.

Mr. Blue,

How do you know when it's right and you ought to consider marriage? People say, "You just know. If you're unsure, it's not right." But if you happen to be a semi-skeptical person, where absolutes don't exist and "love" is a vague bond based on deep affection, what sort of parameters do you use? When do you say: "This is not complete enough. I enjoy this person. I admire this person. But it's time to move on, not get bogged down in a relationship that doesn't cover all the corners."

Wondering

Dear Wondering,

Here are a few parameters: Marry someone who you want awfully much to make happy, who you would gladly be awakened by a phone call at 3 a.m. from, who you feel a sort of low trembliness and excitation in the presence of and who can make you laugh. Some slight emphasis on the last: Never marry a humorless person. Just don't do it. That's no joke.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I've been dating a man for several years. The two of us are very similar. We are in the same profession, like to spend our free time in similar ways and care about each other deeply. The problem for me is that I am attracted to him, but not enough. There is no deep desire, daydreaming or excitement about sex. And I cannot stop looking at other men. In fact, a French man, who I once lusted after, just stepped back into my life. He is as sexy as a man can get. But we are too different. I don't think there's anything long-term there. Is it worth sacrificing a stable relationship without lust for a sketchy affair that may or may not have a future?

Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

A young person should not settle for less than the best, which is a passionate love with a good and reliable companion. You don't want to be one of those people who spend their mature, productive years trying to cobble together a disintegrating marriage or trying to recover from a shipwreck of a divorce. Life is short, and you have good work to do, and it is so much easier to endure some loneliness early on and wait for the right person than to get entangled emotionally with guys who need a lot of work. It sounds as if these two guys are not your man. Enjoy them if you wish, be as honest with them as you can and don't get tied up.

Dear Mr. Blue,

My fiancé of five years broke it off, and I'm devastated and feel rudderless. We'd been living apart for some time. I was away for a year and came back and then got a job offer far away that I couldn't pass up. Through these separations we've been supportive and loving and we assumed we'd get married, have children, be together forever. For the last nine months, however, she's been in a high-pressure work situation, and she has met a colleague and developed "something beyond a crush" on him, and says that all these experiences have changed her, and that no longer is she sure what she wants. She said she loves me but is not, alas, sure she is any longer in love with me. She is torn about breaking it off, and I don't believe this is what she really wants. I love her too much to let her go -- I think she's having a psychological breakdown. We agreed on no contact for a while, and I know she needs time to figure everything out. Should I expect her to come to her senses and come back to me? She's my best friend in the world, and I'm hers: It's so sad and strange and painful that the most important thing in our lives has broken, and we can't even help each other gather together the pieces.

Broken

Dear Broken,

This is awfully sad, and I feel bad for you. It must be dreadful for you to be out of touch with her. Of course, one would like to hear her side of the story. Perhaps you should sit down and write a letter from her to you and tell yourself what is happening. Use your imagination. Picture her and the colleague and how they became close to each other in stressful circumstances. Try to say it in her words. I think that, in writing this letter, you might start with the fact that a five-year engagement is awfully long. I'm sure you can justify it in terms of your career, but the truth is, five years is a long time for someone to hold her life in suspension, to be committed and yet not be together and confirmed. In the end, the life in suspension is going to come to earth, no matter how hard one tries to maintain weightlessness. I don't think you should "let her go," but if and when you do resume contact, it will be as a friend, not as a fiancée. By that, I only mean that you have to start over at the beginning. I wish you well.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I've been in a relationship for four years with the guy I believe is The One. We began dating in college, lived together after graduation, parted briefly while he went to Europe to play violin in an orchestra. He came back to me when the gig was over and followed me halfway across the country when I went off to graduate school. He has talked about going to graduate school and then getting an orchestra job. But he hasn't done much about it. He's working to save money to buy a better instrument; he seems to think that needs to happen first, before he can go to school. He practices only occasionally. We are living together, and all is well between us. I love him, he loves me and he says little things like "When we move to a bigger place ..." or "When we go to Europe ..." implying that he's not going anywhere without me. But when I once brought up the subject of marriage, he flipped out completely. I feel like he's using the idea of grad school to avoid committing to me completely. The longer he puts school off, the longer he puts me off. Is there something else about the male animal and commitment that I just don't get yet?

Practically married, but not

Dear Practically,

I'm a guy myself and maybe that's why I don't sense the problem here. You're in love, all is well, you think he's The One, he's working, you're in school, everybody's feet are on the floor, the sun is coming up every morning -- what's the crisis? So he got a little excited when you mentioned marriage. It's an exciting subject. Wait a few months and mention it again.

Dear Mr. Blue,

My husband of two years loves bacon cheeseburgers. I am a vegetarian. I am a gourmet cook, my kitchen is brimming with herbs and fruits, but he still loves fried meat. We love each other happily and share common ground in other things -- books, music, slow dancing, swimming at night and keeping the bird feeders filled --- but he has a cholesterol count over 400 and has to take large pills every day, which he washes down with a hot dog. He says, "You knew what I was like when you married me." And I say, "Yes, but I for sure didn't expect you to stay that way!" He doesn't want me to be the food sheriff and I don't want to be either. I also don't want to be the widow. Is there a way to protect someone who doesn't want protecting?

Burdened in Birmingham

Dear Burdened,

Your husband is speeding toward the cliff. You need intervention from outside. He is inured to your pleadings and warnings, and it may have become a game to him: Don't play games. Stop nagging. Pray for him. Try fasting occasionally and let him eat alone. Ask a friend to intervene. What he really needs is a good scare from a doctor. But you can't scare him, so don't try.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I am a journalism student, 44, single mother, attractive, know I have a good brain and some talent, and I am profoundly alone. I can't even remember what it's like to be loved by a man. I have no time and no opportunity. It just seems so over.

Sad

Dear Sad,

It ain't over. Believe me, it ain't over. It may seem to be over, but someday a muted trumpet will start playing again and the candles will flicker. Can you get a little help with child care so you can get out and mingle? When I was a journalism student, the hotbed of romance was the school newspaper. People stayed up late writing stories and went out for a beer afterward and sparks flew and liaisons were struck up and intense personal experiences were had. (Not by me but by others.) Loneliness is a habit, and it's not easily broken -- the lack of contact breeds fear of contact -- but it's easier to break it than to live with it. You simply manage to get out of the woods and come to town.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I am recently married to my soul mate, who needs to travel a lot for his job. In the next four months he will be gone for two. I worry that we won't be as close anymore. I miss him every day. I know his work makes him happy. But I really don't want to lose him.

Anxious

Dear Anxious,

You are in a situation similar to that of the wives of sailing men, who had to cope with their man's long absence, and then had to cope with his constant presence until he shipped out again. There were many happy women married to sailors: They were more self-reliant and learned to lead a bifurcated life, and the part of their life that was husbandless was far from dreary. They didn't sit and stare at the horizon. They carried on in a robust manner and schooled the children and ran the community -- of course they lived in towns where other women were in the same boat, and that was an advantage. But for you, the problem isn't the loss of closeness; it's to occupy yourself and learn how to be happy alone.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I recently broke up with my boyfriend with whom I have a 2-year-old daughter, because he was pushing for marriage and I'm not in love with him. I care for him and we had a good life, but I couldn't marry him.

Now that it's done, I'm reeling at all the lives I've thrown into turmoil and the warm relationships that are now strained and awkward. I feel in my heart that I did the right thing, but the guilt is tremendous. Is that normal? Does it go away?

Weak in the Knees

Dear Weak,

Yes, it will get better with time, but the guilt that the instigator of the break incurs is heavy indeed. I can imagine that this must be awfully hard on your daughter, and of course the father must be in terrible pain over the thought of not living under the same roof with her and you. As the instigator, you have some sort of responsibility to calm the waters and make things as easy as possible. You broke up with him, and so it's up to you to instigate social situations involving the three of you. You had a good life together, so why stop seeing each other, painful as it may be at first. He's the little girl's father and so he is going to be around, in and out of your house, and despite your feelings, you'll have to be able to enjoy his company, break bread with him, converse and treat him like family. Despite the strains and the awkwardness, don't avoid him -- don't let hostility creep in and define the terms of engagement. Treat him like a brother. Be happy to see him, even if you aren't. It will mean a lot later on.

Dear Mr. Blue,

In the past year, I've ended a loving but doomed relationship and begun a journalism career. Many of the people I work with are devotees of the brass-balls hard-drinking newspaperman myth. Earnestness is considered a personality defect. Same with dating: You're supposed to be uninterested and not make a big deal about sex. Is there a place in the big city for a soft-hearted sap like me?

Manhandled in Manhattan

Dear Manhandled,

The big city teaches you not to offer too much to passersby, to keep your cool and not try too hard to impress strangers until you size them up a little. That's not bad. And earnestness doesn't count for much compared to integrity: knowing who you are and what you believe and standing by it. A good journalist has a lot of heart -- to speak truth to power requires a true romantic -- but you don't need to talk about it to show it.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I left the Midwest and moved out to sunny Colorado 20 years ago and have a great job, good friends, a wonderful marriage and great kids, but I still have these pangs of homesickness. I miss the deciduous forests, the weather, the crisp air of fall, yes, even winter. What can I do about this?

Complaining about Paradise

Dear Complaining,

The Midwest is God's country, and so of course you miss it, but why do you need to do anything about it? It is probably the most missed part of the country. Many people have made wonderful lives based on missing the Midwest. They live in California or Connecticut or Katmandu, and they think longingly of the rectangular fields, the silos, the yellow leaves on the maples, and this longing is a sort of rich yeast that raises their lives to a nobler level. We of the Midwest are happy to play this role, that of the unattainable ideal Homeland and fount of all true values. We love to be missed and are glad that most of the people who miss us are not coming back.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I am happy in love and have great kids, but lately I feel stuck in the ruts of a career that is going nowhere, and I wonder: When should a man forget his dreams or perhaps dumb them down? After all, I have a wonderful wife and friends and great kids. It's just that other eight hours a day I can't stand.

Tired of self-help books

Dear Tired,

This is a problem you shouldn't attack head on; it's too frustrating, and the frustration can make you desperate, and despair is not useful at this point. My advice is to find ways to tolerate this job and learn something from it. I suggest jotting down notes at the end of the day, in which you record conversations from work, tell what you did, note your impressions -- a novelistic account of your work life. You set it aside and read it in a few months and see if it doesn't give you some insight into where you are and how you might get yourself unstuck. Of course, it's easy to have unrealistic notions, especially if you're feeling desperate -- comedians want to be singers, actors want to direct, every senator believes he or she should be president, and we all want to be 15 years younger -- and I'm only suggesting that a clear look at your work might help you figure out where you're going.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I started dating in college and in my junior year fell in love with R, and for almost two years we have lived together. In the past several months, I've been feeling like our relationship is lifeless: no passion, no luster, not even stimulating conversation. I want so much to believe that this is not possible, that your heart can't change. But this void won't leave me. I've tried telling him that I want to take a break, but he can't bear the thought. And I'm ashamed to admit that in the past month, I've cheated on him. There wasn't any sex, but I did stay the night with a friend of mine, D. I could never have a serious relationship with D, and that's what made it so enjoyable -- just raw sexual attraction. I felt so alive and attractive -- and I know it's completely narcissistic and indulgent and shortsighted. But I haven't had (or wanted to have) sex with R in months. I'm lost. Please help.

Lost

Dear Lost,

In the old days, before we accepted the idea of sex before marriage, a woman had to take a good hard look at a man like R and size up his long-term potential and make a shrewd guess as to how understanding and affectionate he might be, and a good many women, through no fault of their own, guessed wrong and paid the consequences. You are operating under a different set of rules. And there's no reason for you to hold onto your relationship with R if you feel it is lifeless. If there is no passion, then bring it to an end. When you're married, you can learn about reigniting passion, but this is simply an affair that has run its course.
SALON | March 16, 1999

Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue.

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