That befuddled me, so I began some calling around. "I was standing in line at Starbuck's yesterday," said Hailey, "and I started to complain to the guy in front of me about the long line. We started chatting back and forth, just in a nice, friendly, urban-village kind of way. He said: 'So, do you work around here? What's your name?' I started feeling a little uncomfortable, and started waving my wedding ring around. I moved to the front to the counter and just put out those little unspoken signals that I wasn't interested. As I was leaving, he said 'Well, goodbye Hailey!' in this peeved way. And I just thought: Sheesh -- can't women ever just be friendly without it having to mean something?"

"Oh, come on," said an impatient Renee. "Attractive women are usually so bitchy and non-talkative that when they are actually outgoing or friendly, of course they're going to get asked out. It's flattering!" But when I pressed her a bit further, she did admit to feeling annoyed when a geeky guy assumed she'd want to go on a date with him, all because she was more verbal than the average gal.

"So it comes down to how attractive the man is," I said. "So, beautiful people can ask people out, but the rest of us slobs have to just hope that a love connection can be made in some unspoken way. Is that what you're saying?"

"I guess so," she said doubtfully.

"There is no such thing as the innocent chat for men," said my friend Kevin. "Let me qualify that: for urban American men, because we just aren't very chatty as, say, the Italians would be. There is always, always something underneath when you're talking to a strange, attractive female. You wait for the signs, see if she's going to be open to being asked out, and then you throw out a line. If they don't bite, then fine. You're no worse off. And admit it -- isn't it flattering to be asked out?"

Kevin had a point, though flattery hardly expressed my usual response to such encounters. Most of the time, I was too oblivious to realize what had happened until after the fact. Other times, the guy was a toad and I felt a little outraged. Still other times, I felt irritated that I can't be friendly without it being taken the wrong way. But one thing was clear: This was one area where the communication gap between men and women couldn't be wider.

"I have a great rapport with my car mechanic," said Sydney, who lives in a small town in upstate New York. "I love seeing him. We talk on and on about my little Fiat, about what a terrible car it is. We flirt and flirt -- he's married, I'm married -- so it means nothing. I love flirting with Antonio -- it makes my entire day."

"He's Italian?" I asked. "According to my sources, he may be chatting away to you, but it means nothing else. Or -- he could be priming you, waiting for the right non-verbal clue before he moves in for the kill."

"I couldn't care less," said Sydney airily. "All this funny confusion between men and women -- that's what life's about. Besides, it's not as if he's my dentist. A guy who's rooting around in my mouth, scraping my gums, who then asks me out -- now that is truly weird."
SALON | Sept. 2, 1998

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