looking back at the year in television brings to mind that old Woody Allen joke: the food was terrible — and the portions were so small! "Why is O.J. Simpson still all over the TV? Nobody cares anymore!," people whined. But whenever a Simpson case figure like Mark Fuhrman or Bob Kardashian appeared on a prime-time newsmagazine in 1996, the ratings soared. And then there was NBC's coverage of the Atlanta Olympic Games. All of us complained about how U.S.-centric, commercial-laden and mislabeled-as-live it was, and we knew what we were talking about, because we watched all 170 hours of it. People and their TV habits — go figure. Anyway, the following is my Top 10 list of the best and worst TV of 1996. Yes, it's another Salon year-end list. And so short! 1. Guilty Pleasure of the Year: ESPN SportsCenter
with Keith Olbermann and Dan Patrick
I have a confession to make: I like ESPN. I like the fact that you can plop down and watch genuine time-wasters like women's pro bowling and make-believe ice skating "championships" almost every night of the week. I like the ESPN house ads, where Robert Goulet sings swingin' nursery rhymes and decathlete Dan O'Brien uses his vaulting pole to deliver the sportscasters' dry cleaning. I especially like the one where Billy the Marlin (the Florida Marlins' perpetually delighted-looking mascot) walks in on his wife with another man. And I like that "SportsCenter" show with Keith Olbermann and Dan Patrick, whom I find rather amusing. Oh, who am I kidding? I find them more than amusing; I find them hilarious. They make me laugh, they make me cry, they make me kiss "Must See TV" goodbye. I can't get enough of these guys. Does this make me a traitor to my gender? It's so easy to fall under the spell of Keith and Dan. Their dry, puckish wit (no pun intended) and obvious intelligence elevates them above the helmet-haired frat-boy howler monkeys that pass for TV sportsguys these days. Granted, Keith (the one with Groucho's eyebrows) and Dan (the one who looks like Joe Isuzu) are still sportsguys, and they get silly the way guys do when they're around sports too much. You may not be able to stand this, especially when Keith makes his cheering-crowd noises off-camera while Dan is trying to talk. And, be warned, Keith and Dan are best approached with at least a rudimentary knowledge of sports terms and/or locker room interview clichés, otherwise the subtle parody inherent in Dan's signature phrase, "You can't stop him, you can only hope to contain him," will sail right over your head. But, look, I'm woman enough to admit a weakness for jock humor. And I refuse to apologize for my need to regularly hear the sweet music of an Olbermannism ("He pulled a groin — his own, we hope") or the soothing logic of Patrick at his most philosophical ("He's listed as day to day, but then again, aren't we all?"). Keith and Dan are more than sportsguys, they're a comedy team, and a great one. Somebody once called them a live-action "Beavis and Butt-head" but that's so wrong it borders on blasphemy. Bob and Ray is more like it. Keith and Dan are goofy and profound at the same time. They call them as they see them (Keith's angry anti-hockey-fighting rant was a classic) and still have a lot left over to devote to the pursuit of the perfect sports catch phrase (Keith's "He puts the biscuit in the basket!" is a strong contender) and to tweak (sometimes, bash) the reverence with which most ESPN junkies regard professional sports. Keith and Dan's message comes through loud and clear: Hey, it's only a game. These guys are en fuego, as they would say, and if you don't catch them on The Big Show now, you will someday (cue another Olbermannism) drool the drool of regret into the pillow of remorse.
2. Best New Drama: Relativity (ABC)
Los Angeles twentysomethings Isabel and Leo meet in Rome, fall in love, move in together — and that's the easy part. This drama from Marshall Herskovitz and Ed Zwick's little shop of family horrors can be as maddening as "thirtysomething" and as affecting as "My So-Called Life." It's the saga of a romance, sure, but it's really about the familial baggage that people bring into a relationship. Isabel and Leo are forever being guilt-tripped by emotionally needy siblings, put into impossible positions by irresponsible parents, tortured by childish feelings they haven't yet learned to put aside.
"Relativity" seems to have everything going for it: great reviews, ridiculously attractive lead actors, nothing much for competition. So, why isn't anybody watching it? A theory: Star Kimberly Williams' adorableness was refreshing at first, but has swiftly grown toxic. Her Isabel is as cute as a kitten, calls her mother "Mommy" and, despite no apparent literary ambitions or talent, was just handed a plum column at Daddy's prestigious magazine. OK, this sounds like a huge flaw, I know. But when I said "Relativity" was the best new drama of the year, I didn't say it was a great year for new dramas, did I?
3. Best miniseries: "Pride and Prejudice" (A&E)
The naughty bits were more Brontë than Austen (so was Colin Firth's Heathcliffian Mr. Darcy), but who cares? This BBC production (which became the most-watched show in A&E cable's history) was filled with rustic good cheer, embodied by the sparkling-eyed, rosy-cheeked Jennifer Ehle, the definitive Elizabeth Bennet. Andrew Davies' high-spirited screenplay was the verbal equivalent of a British reel, emphasizing Austen's quietly scalding humor about family relationships, as well as her sensible observations on the folly of judging a whole flock by the loudest goose (the gossipy, horrid Mrs. Bennet, played by the formidable Alison Steadman). Note to ABC: Want to know how to save "Relativity"? Period costumes! And a subtitle that says "Suggested by Jane Austen's 'Pride and Prejudice.'"
4. Most improved sitcom: The Drew Carey Show (ABC)
After its first wobbly season, "Drew Carey" registered (vaguely) as an amusing but unfocused sitcom about a chubby single guy who worked in a Cleveland department store's personnel office by day and drank beer with his old high-school buddies by night. But, out of the blue, the 1996 season opened with a smashing, elaborately choreographed production number set to the Vogues' chugging oldie about the workday grind and, suddenly, it all made sense. "Drew Carey" = "Dilbert" + "Seinfeld" x "How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying."
5. Best New Comedy: Mr. Show with Bob and David (HBO)
Twisted sketch comedy fun from Bob Odenkirk and David Cross, two former writers for Fox's late, great "Ben Stiller Show." But sour Odenkirk (who also performed on "Stiller") and waifish Cross have a darker, weirder, more surreal bent than Stiller did, which makes "Mr. Show" closer in spirit to "Monty Python" and the edgier moments of "Kids in the Hall." Typical skit: the sitcom spoof "Mr. Junkie," in which lonely David is befriended by a junkie who slumps in an alley with a needle in his arm and moves his mouth to piped-in dialogue like Mr. Ed, while David's friends scoff, "Everybody knows there's no such thing as a talking junkie!" In a perfect world, "Mr. Show" would have "Saturday Night Live's" time slot (split three ways with reruns of "Ben Stiller" and "Kids in the Hall"). But as Odenkirk and Cross would probably be the first to tell you, this ain't no perfect world. (HBO is running the best of "Mr. Show" every night at midnight the week of December 23.)
6. Most boring, overhyped new drama: "Millennium" (Fox)
See Evil Psycho kill. Kill, Evil Psycho, kill. See Frank Black get inside Evil Psycho's head. See Frank fret. Fret, fret, fret. Frank solves the case. Good job, Frank. See the same story again next week. See Chris Carter work. Chris works too hard. Work, Chris, work. Sleep, viewer, sleep.
7. Worst new trend: Gore
And I don't mean Al. Just when you thought it was safe to eat dinner in front of the television came an escalating barrage of TV drama gross outs: the oh-so-Tarantinian nail-through-the-palm scene in the "EZ Streets" pilot, Ebola victims bleeding from their eyes on "The Burning Zone," the mutilated serial-killer victims of "Millennium," and "Profiler," the how-can-we-top-this? repulsiveness of this season's "X-Files." Look, I'm no TV ratings zealot or anything, but I would like to declare a moratorium on scenes of severed tongues, leeches crawling into noses, faces resembling ground chuck and half-naked exotic dancers carved up like jack-o-lanterns. And if I see one more tentacled alien bursting out of somebody's esophagus, I'm going to ...
8. Burn-out of the Year: "Friends" (NBC)
The hype deflated faster than a Rachel 'do on a bad hair day. Was it the overexposure of the cast members? Their much-publicized power-play for bigger salaries? That accursed theme song? We may never know for sure. But look at the bright side: The "Friends" fad was over before they could bring out the action figures.
9. Disappearing Acts of the Year: "EZ Streets" (CBS) and "Profit" (Fox)
The dark crime drama "EZ Streets" and the mordant, off-kilter boardroom soap "Profit" got the most glowing reviews of the year, but they were pulled from their networks' schedules with stunning alacrity after they tanked in the ratings. "EZ" lasted for just one episode after its dismally rated two hour pilot; "Profit" hung on a tad longer. Their fate should give you an idea of how tiny the networks' margin for error is these days. Almost as tiny as a TV critic's influence.
10. This too shall pass
Jenny McCarthy, John Tesh, "Nash Bridges," "Adventures from the Book of Virtues," Kerri Strug, "Suddenly Susan," TV movies with titles like "Mother May I Sleep with Danger?," animal snuff specials, "The Rodman World Tour," Goat Boy.
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