ILL HUMOR | BY IAN SHOALES LET SLEEPING GIANTS LIE W O R D S, phrases and trends jump into media being with a mysterious ferocity. A few years back, for instance, there was "papal nuncio." This sacred functionary had something to do with negotiating the surrender of Manuel Noriega, who became best known, of course, as the "Panamanian strongman." I think they were a press secretary and an alcoholic dictator respectively, in reality. But newscasters just loved saying "papal nuncio" and "Panamanian strongman." So there you go. Despite what you've read in the paper, fiction can still be stranger than truth. Lately we've been inundated with Beanie Babies, CD boxed sets and the so-called "Director's Cut." Somehow the director's cut has become an enticement for us to rent a movie, or even to park our sorry butts in a theater again. This trend began, I believe, with the director's cut of "Blade Runner," and continues most recently with "Das Boot." Yes, that's right, we can now spend an extra restored 45 minutes underwater in an enclosed area with a bunch of sweaty German guys. Some things are worth waiting for, I guess. My local video store also stocks the director's cut of "The Hidden." This was an excellent horror movie, made in 1987, about a sluglike alien that hides in the bodies of earthlings and overindulges himself in earthly pleasures, like sex, murder and politics. It zipped right along too. But now the director's cut is available on two videocassettes -- that's close to four hours of restored slug footage! What, did the director think he was delivering, the "Gone With The Wind" of alien possession flicks? What more could he possibly show us? (Prediction: Hollywood will take a tip from "The Godfather" saga and edit all the "Friday the 13th" movies into a 24-hour slash fest. It will be called "Jason's Cut.") Some phrases seem like they've been with us forever, like "Bond Girl," "Inflation Rates" and "Former Football Great." But where did "Tobacco Giant" come from? Every headline, every audio/video lead now refers to Philip Morris and RJR as "Tobacco Giants." Is this supposed to make them enormous and terrifying, in the same way calling a federal substance abuse counselor "Drug Czar" could possibly, in a bureaucrat's wildest dreams, lend him the air of an authority he does not actually possess? As I understand it, the so-called Tobacco Giants are actually made large these days more by their other holdings than by smokes; chips, cookies, sodas, beer -- pretty near any sweet thing we put in our greedy little mouths is put there by Tobacco Giants. But we don't hear "Corn Chip Giant" or "Chocolate Chip Giant," do we? Those kinds of giants just wouldn't be toxic enough to scare us sufficiently. They just wouldn't have the right gravitas to enable them to live up to the outrage. I'd never even heard the term "Most Favored Nation" until last year. Abbreviated cozily as MFN in The New Republic, this status apparently dates back to the Smoot-Hawley Tariff (on everybody's lips back in 1930) and is today deeply cherished both by the Congress of our great nation, the bestower of the singular honor, and to China -- smuggler of machine guns into our great nation, thief of the software of our great nation, tolerater of slave labor -- which is waiting humbly ("Sleeping Giant," remember that one?) for the honorary sword to again tap tap tap on its bowed yet mighty head, a nation bestowed. Are there other favored nations? Is there a Least Favored Nation? Is there a Nation More Favored Than The Least Favored Nation, But Not Quite As Favored As The Most Favored Nation? How many goddam Favored Nations are there, anyway? And who the hell are we to dispense our favors? What are we? A coy mistress? A king? Of course, MFN is market-driven. Excuse me: "Market-Driven." China is a potential customer for our wares, it's as simple as that. And even if half the population of China prefers shoplifting to purchase, it's still a pretty hefty "Bottom Line." Well worth any ethical compromise, especially since we ourselves are ethically compromised. Whether you're a libertarian or a liberal, it seems to be a win-win situation: We can argue the pros and cons into the wee hours, but what, ultimately, are we going to do? Ignore China? Impose sanctions? Or try to make sure we don't rub China's fur the wrong way? We have to make sure that when the Sleeping Giant wakes up, the first thing he'll want to do is bum a smoke from the Tobacco Giant, don't we? I'm glad as hell I'm just a wretched content provider, and not a diplomat. And there will be employment opportunities in the future. "Sling Blade Runner," the story of a mentally challenged replicant and the troubled little robot who loves him, will need a script. And of course copy will need to be written for the Jolly Green Tobacco Giant ad campaign. Yes, when the catch phrases of the future are coined, I want to be among the number who coin them -- me, a sluglike alien, and a bunch of sweaty German guys toiling away in the workspace of tomorrow. Might even get a movie out of it: "Das Cube: The Director's Cut."
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