San Francisco Bay Guardian, May 26 - June 1

"Wake Up and Smell the Coffee!" by Nina Luttinger and Gregory Dicum

Bad alternative journalism 101:
1. Write a headline that beats your readers over the head, like, say, "Wake Up and Smell the Coffee [you smug readers who know nothing and are really bad people]!"
2. Lead with a really cheesy generalization: Gosh, seems like everything's bad for you these days! Sweat shops! SUVs! What's a consumer to do?
3. Let people know that something that makes their lives worth living -- coffee, for instance -- means death, destruction and poverty for someone, somewhere.
4. Come up with a ridiculously simplistic solution that not only doesn't account for the financial, educational or cultural backgrounds of the readership, but could spell unemployment for the already miserable someone, somewhere: Buy extremely expensive, cruelty-free "sustainable coffee."
5. Make sure your liberal guilt-trip has a capitalist destination by providing contact info for a list of companies happy to overcharge you for the easing of your overburdened conscience.
6. Tally up the number of trees killed to make your point, realize you are a hopeless hypocrite and become a PR rep for Guatemalan coffee growers.

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The Village Voice, May 26 - June 1

"Tell-Tale Hearts" by Athima Chansanchai

Here's some news to fan the flames at militia barbecues and conspiracy theorist cookouts for years to come: At this moment, big corporations are testing technology that would replace clunky passwords used in ATM transactions and elsewhere with iris scans. What does this mean for civilization? Unfortunately Athima Chansanchia's not-too-critical-so-far article is cut off due to some lousy link coding, so if she has anything to say about it, we'll never know.

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San Francisco Weekly, May 26 - June 1

"The Red Menace" by Jack Boulware

If you've ever found yourself pondering the fate of Sammy Hagar, look no further than this smart and funny "where is he now?" piece by Jack Boulware. (May I also recommend to you, Former Child Star Central.) If you don't give a shit about Sammy Hagar's life in the bucolic hills of Marin County, Calif., congratulate yourself and move on.

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In honor of Mrs. Tawagotchi's mandate to treat our canine friends to a good rub now and then and my ex-boyfriend who lived on a pet cemetery, where on doggy graves we wilfully ignored Mrs. T's silly rule, I present some tales about dogs:

The Bark This remarkably funny and well-written zine is devoted to literate dog owners who wish to creatively and intellectually explore man's (and woman's! sheesh!) connection to his (or her ...) best friend.

Puppy Prozac You no longer have to sullenly leave that unmanageable dog at the pound. Antidepressants for dogs are available at a veterinarian near you!

"Dead Dogs Walking" Dogs sentenced to death for violent crimes? Dogs with attorneys? This is ridiculous!

"Dogstronomy" Astrological projections for your pet.
salon.com | May 28, 1999

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