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Mamafesto
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This improbable sense of connection was oddly reinforced by the fact that the literary Coyote frequently came across as a jerk. The fearlessness with which he revealed himself through his writing -- his reckless honesty, even about some pretty callow behavior on his part -- seemed brave and worthy of respect. It spoke of integrity to the truth, a quality with enormous appeal to someone living with the damage wrought by evasion and denial. I respected this man who was not afraid to expose the soft, pale parts of his past to judgment that was sure to be harsh; it elicited the same random, swift tenderness and sympathy I feel when listening to solo vocal music or recited poetry. The harsh exigencies of my own private life -- an out-of-control, soon-to-be-ex-spouse with a pro bono lawyer, a pending bankruptcy, a car literally about to blow up, a cache of unopened letters from the IRS that my husband left behind, a 30-day deadline to find housing with no credit, no transportation and no money in a community with nearly no rentals, a crashed hard drive, one daughter away from home for the first time, another daughter frantic over leaving the neighborhood, having to sort through and pack up the house while working full time -- left little time for earnest fantasy cultivation. But at odd times (a warm, fragrant, full-moon midnight in my soon-to-be-abandoned garden, the "Casta Diva" audible through the open door), my Coyote conviction provided a focus for the fleeting moments of fierce longing for someone to whisper my name, invite me to set aside my burdens and lay down with him in the dark. My palms ached with a dim tactile memory of the way a man's head felt, cradled between my hands as it moved slowly downward: Now that head had a face. Sort of. In real life, I wasn't sure exactly what Coyote looked like. He was wearing some kind of space suit in "ET," and the character he played in "Jagged Edge," creepier even than the serial killer, wore an expression that strongly suggested he was smelling something unpleasant. I suppose I could have gone to the video store and looked up other movies in which he appeared, but I did not have the time -- and besides, I saw him in my dreams, literally. Coyote had an ongoing, mostly platonic role in a series of dreams that loosely knit the slender threads upon which my fantasy hung. I had heard that he bought Patrick's art; in one dream, he was in my house to look at my friend Alexandra's paintings and was suddenly dancing -- a dream-shill for Mark Morris, whom I really do know, and know would love the paintings. Another sequence of dreams placed him in my kitchen doing the dishes -- I had heard that he really did this at Patrick's birthday party. In most of these kitchen dreams, I could hear him dutifully rattling dishes without actually seeing him. But once he was standing in front of the sink, inexplicably dressed in full scuba gear -- flippers, tank and mask -- and I awoke in a minor snit over his imaginary dripping on the little oriental carpet in the kitchen. And once only, I floated into the kitchen to find him completely naked and clearly ready to do more than the dishes. I was aware that the very circumstance that precipitated my bizarre fantasy -- extreme stress -- also contained its scope. I was so busy and exhausted handling survival that it was impossible to give it much attention. So I made a conscious decision not to worry much about what such a fantasy said about my state of mind (and my grip on reality), while allowing that there was at least an outside chance that it might actually come true (some enchanted evening, big party, mutual friends). Scuba tanks were never a part of such wistful ruminations. It didn't happen. The hairline thread of remote possibility was broken when Alexandra decided that a relationship with Patrick required more effort than it was worth. She broke off contact with him; there would be no irresistible pull across a crowded room conveniently provided by mutual friends. Meanwhile, during one five-week period, I underwent a surreal bankruptcy hearing, found a house for lease, jumped through a series of flaming hoops to override my lousy credit so I could rent it, researched and bought a used car with a loan from my mother, negotiated a payment plan with the IRS, finished packing, rented a truck, moved my family, reformatted my hard drive, and hooked up the washer, dryer, refrigerator and sound system. Last week I surfaced for air. I put on Maria Callas singing the "Casta Diva," poured a glass of the infused vodka my son had given me as a housewarming gift and went out into the backyard: another full moon, different garden, cooler weather, earlier moonrise. I noted, with a pang, that the kitchen dreams had not ported over to the new house and the new season. I missed my demon lover, and I realized just how useful my cuckoo construct had been. My summer's fantasy provided desperately needed diversion from the extraordinary pressures of my waking life. It had the fail-safe advantage of being so far-fetched that there was no question of having to act upon it, which would only have been an added stressor. I certainly did not have energy to devote to any sort of real dalliance, and needed time and privacy to heal from the multiple blows I had been dealt. And it was fun, falling asleep with amused anticipation of what might be unfolding in my dreams that night. It balanced waking up with sober dread of what might be unfolding in my life that day. In this light, my fantasy can be charitably seen as a life-affirming, as opposed to psychosis-supporting, response to challenges that might otherwise have sent me screaming into the street -- or up a bell tower. It's still a little embarrassing, though. Summer's over, thank god. My divorce is final, and my ex-husband's lawyer has tired of freebie saber-rattling. My younger daughter, happily enrolled in school with her friends, has calmed down, and my older daughter is home. We're almost unpacked. My life is on more solid ground. Now, in an elegiac mood, I review the arc of my brief but significant
time "with" Coyote and think of him with exactly the same indulgent
affection I feel for some of my real, long-ago lovers. Who wouldn't? He
was there for me when I needed him, did the dishes without being asked and never made eyes at other men. The tender gratitude I feel for
this exemplary behavior is quite real, and it would be simply petty to
keep carping on the fact that the affair was not.
Cynthia Romanov is a writer who lives in the Bay Area. |
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