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Even women who escaped the clutches of this sort of sexism aren't always prepared for the luggage that comes with the fatter (or only) paycheck. My sister, whose husband is in sales and has minimal benefits, says that she paid no attention to his finances early in their marriage, "because my job provided everything I needed." Since the birth of her daughter, though, she's had second thoughts: "Now I realize that his income and benefits have a major impact on me, because I can't make a choice about whether to stay home."

At least, one might reason, the breadwinner mom doesn't have to do the laundry. Well, I am here to tell you that domestic chores have tenaciously resisted any revolutionary change. I know only one breadwinner mom who goes to the office each day knowing that her husband will scrub the toilet and shop for food. Stay-at-home dads are great nurturers; some are also excellent cooks; far fewer clean and launder. My husband, for example, is "a really fun dad" (says our 7-year-old daughter), loves to wash dishes, and is glad to take on any errand that gets him out of the house. But he is far less inclined to vacuum and mop without me available to keep the baby at bay.

Do my husband and I wish we could trade places? Sure. Chastened by the backbreaking work of caring for children, stay-at-home-dads often are eager to resume their careers or begin new ones. Breadwinner moms, me included, miss our kids a lot and long for a turn as the stay-at-home parent -- at least until the laundry pile is high and the diaper supply is low. Then, we privately admit, going to the office might not be such a bad gig after all.

At the end of the day -- literally and figuratively -- no matter what breadwinner moms do to earn their paychecks, we end up doing the same job when we get home. When I was a kid, it was understood that you didn't jump all over Daddy the minute he came in the door. His job was done, it was time to relax. The instant I walk in the door -- before I'm actually all the way in, most nights -- my two kids are all over me. Secretly, I'm both pleased and dismayed by this. Sometimes I long to flop down on the couch with the remote and zone out; but like the breadwinner mom who told me that she can't help but feel that she's "only the mommy now," I'm always happy to be reminded that no matter how wonderful Daddy is, I'm irreplaceable, too.

salon.com | Oct. 5, 1999

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