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R E C E N T L Y Sins of the fathers The Merry Recluse Mulatto millennium Second Thoughts The face of Zorro BROWSE THE MOTHERS WHO THINK HOT FLASH ARCHIVES - - - - - - - - - - Mamafesto
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THE DICTATOR IN THE HOUSE | PAGE 1, 2
What was it like for the children? You have to realize that one of the really deceptive things about polygamy is the love that children have for their siblings, their half-siblings. But it mixes things up in a way. It's great to have a large family, to think of humankind as all being brothers and sisters and taking care of each other. But when you don't have your individual families, when you don't understand the responsibilities and associations of family members, it can get very confusing. When I was picking my kids up this weekend from visitation, my daughter had this present and it was signed from her "Mom and Dad." All the kids, my kids, have to call their stepmother "Mom." That's one of the rules of their family. To them, in the eternity, that's who they've been taught will be their mother because I'm a sinner and I have been cut off from the family for leaving. So it mixes them up. Of course, none of these things you could ever prove in a court of law because emotional and mental abuse is much harder to prove than physical abuse. Their word against mine. That's the sort of indoctrination we go up against. What do the children think about calling Martha "Mom"? Well, I just saw that gift card and we haven't discussed it yet. I know that if I call the children up when they're there, they say "Mom said this, Mom said that." I say, "Well I'm your mother." But I can't force them not to say it when they're there. I'm their mother. I have made a huge sacrifice on their behalf and there's no way she will ever love those children like I do. I really struggled to be a good mother and the one thing that has really spurred me on, especially to do what I'm doing today, advocating for other mothers, is that I think that motherhood is the greatest job in the whole wide world. I have a hard time when people give lip service to that and to families. It's been very hard for me as a single mother to leave my children to go to work when I feel they need me at home. When did you leave your marriage? I left 11 years after we married when I realized that I'd put myself in a position to be used for his glory, his ego. I'd gotten pretty used to not having an intimate relationship with anyone. You didn't want to have more of a relationship with him? I didn't know what a good relationship was. Even in monogamy, our relationship wasn't that great. I'm sure that's why he took a second wife. It was a relief not having him around sometimes because you could do your own thing. I disciplined and fed the children and did all the same things for him. I had to baby him, and when he wasn't around I didn't have to do it. It wasn't a real partnership when we were monogamous either. But I continued to think that plural marriage was a good thing, it was just the guy I married is a power freak. So I went into another plural marriage as a third wife. The husband, Carl, knew my first husband and his family seemed like they were very happy in polygamy. The first wife, Judy, had three children and the second wife, Maggie, was pregnant. I told them I didn't want to be full-fledged wife but I wanted to be part of a family as I want my children to have a father -- at least a part-time one. But then Carl revealed to us that he never believed in polygamy, that he had just taken wives because he wanted to have sex with more than one woman. He was honest with us. Of course it shocked me and I had to run into the bathroom crying and wondering what was going on. I felt sick because I had actually started to fall in love with this man. Another thing that I noticed was the first wife was going through the same things I had gone through when my husband took a second wife -- jealousy, insecurity. And her husband was sometimes strutting around like this rooster. She became almost became numb. I could see her almost becoming a zombie. This woman was a really strong woman. Then I became pregnant with his child. Where were you living? Salt Lake City. Did the neighbors say anything about your plural marriage? I think that here in Utah we're pretty used to polygamous families. I eventually moved out and moved back to California for a couple of years. I thought I could get some support from my family. I found out that my first husband was praying for my death with my children, because he thought i was such a sinner. He and his wife don't pray for my death now. But when he did it was almost like a predator, a lion, going for the weakest one. I was very weak. Why did you return to Utah? I wanted to do something about polygamy. I went to court because I had a hard time accepting that my husband had visitation rights. The children have always been with me. Raising them has not been a partnership. He was just the breadwinner. He was going from house to house, between his two wives, but my children were always with me. Why all of a sudden when I get a divorce should it be any different? At least with monogamy, the husband is with his children in one home. You were initially in a shelter when you left because you were so poor. Yes. That was when I left him and moved to California. When I came back to Utah, I wanted to go to school to get my degree. I was getting some child support but it wasn't enough. I tried living near my second husband. I rented from him. But it didn't work. After about 18 months of living there, I left and had to go to a shelter. And I realized that my dream has really been to help women to get out of abusive situations and to get the resources and their needs taken care of. Do you think polygamy can ever work? If a woman wants to be treated as an equal and she wants a partnership in rearing her children, monogamy is probably the way. If she wants to have a husband who has sex with other woman and she wants to be submissive and have lots of children, then she perhaps should go into plural marriage. It's a lot like being a single mother except you still have a leader. But you're usually lonely and don't have much money. About 30 percent of polygamous wives in some communities get welfare. As for me, I definitely want something better for me and my children. Does polygamy attract certain women? Oh yes. They have to be quite sheltered. Young is good too. Innocent, not very educated. They prey upon women who aren't strong, with low self-esteem. Often women are just brought up as plural wives. I didn't grow up in it so it was easier to get out. We're finding thousands of children are being brought up in it and their lives are ruined. And it's becoming more prevalent as there are so many different lifestyles. This is just one of them, though it's based on power and control so it's not just another alternative lifestyle. Religion is also man-made and this type of marriage is one of those things that men use to overpower women. Any organization that is based on a male book is not my thing. Why are you speaking out against polygamy now? Because of this upcoming case involving John Daniel Kingston? I think that all of us [at Tapestry of Polygamy] got sick of the abuse -- it's been so hush-hush. It's like Utah's dirty little secret. And because we've been involved in polygamy, we wanted to do something about it after we got out. We wanted to help others who are still involved and are trying to get out. We wanted to say to this young girl, "Hey, we're here for you."
Ros Davidson is a regular contributor to Salon. |
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