The Federal Reserve does, though. And according to the Fed, there's $575 billion in revolving consumer debt out there somewhere. Credit counseling centers are booming -- one expects to generate $3 million in revenue in only its second year. Bankruptcy filings (96.9 percent of which are by consumers) have set records each of the last three years. Who are we trying to kid with this Puritan outrage when one of us breaks the code of financial silence?

Americans love to spend money, and that's all there is to it. Shopping, not baseball, is the real American pastime. Go visit a relative and they just have to show you "our" mall, like it's a natural wonder. Go abroad, you'll always be able to tell the American tourists at a glance: They'll be the ones who, when visiting a cultural landmark, head for the gift shop before viewing the landmark itself. Business, of course, is more than happy to accommodate us. Credit card issuers mailed out 2.3 billion card offers in 1997, and are raking in the bucks Bill Gates-style. Visa alone saw a 3.4 percent increase in the number of cards issued in 1998, inflating its credit volume by nearly 10 percent. Overall, revolving debt increased by 12.2 percent last year, with the average debtor owing $7,000 to $8,000. The interest on that debt, my friends, is only the beginning of the road to debtor's hell. Credit card companies keep inventing new and improved ways to separate us from our dollars -- and we go for them every time.

"The good news for consumers is the increased price competition, which has driven down rates across the industry," says Stephen Brobeck of the Consumer Federation of America. Until a few years ago, the typical credit card interest rate was about 18 percent. Now, however, those 6,000 competing credit card issuers have brought about such bargains as introductory ("teaser") rates as low as 3.9 percent, grace periods, cash rebates, free gasoline, frequent flier miles and charity donation matching. "These new low rates have drastically lowered the credit card companies' profitability, so they make it up elsewhere," says Brobeck. How? "By moving people as quickly as possible into the penalty categories."

MBNA, for instance, collected $841 million in "non-interest revenue," much of it penalty fees and other dings on consumers, in 1998 -- a 20 percent increase over 1997. Another company reported a gain of 120 percent. Grace periods have shortened from 25-30 days to 20-25. (Check your fine print: Payment must not only reach the creditor by a certain date, but by a certain time on that date.) The current average late fee increased 56 percent in the last two years, to $22.10. Over your limit (even if the charge is approved)? The current average fee for that is $21.14, an increase of 52 percent; 10 years ago, that category didn't even exist. Convenience checks, too, often carry "stealth" fees (not to mention that they are treated as cash advances and accrue interest at the highest possible rate, with no grace period).

The minimum payment is calculated on only 2 percent of the outstanding balance; it used to be 4 percent. Make just the minimum payment, and you'll have a relationship for life. And the low teaser rate that suckered you in in the first place usually expires within five to nine months; even before that, though, being late just once can jack the rate up as much as 20 percentage points. Twice? Forget about it.

Twenty million credit card accounts were bought and sold between companies last year; if yours was one of them, you know that the acquiring company can just wave the magic calculator and jack your interest rate up like a Hollywood hemline. On second thought, you probably don't know you've been jacked, because all they have to do is send you one of those gobbledygook, fine-print legalese notices none of us ever bothers to read. Another moneymaker for our creditors is to make deals with telemarketers, supplying them with portions of our credit files so they can solicit us for more useless things. The telemarketers then call in the middle of dinner and tell us about their "free, no risk" trial membership in a ridiculous new way to take our money -- it started with dining clubs and travel clubs -- and the pair of sneakers or free 35 mm camera en route to us today ("That's right! Today!") just for giving them a try. You accept the "free" membership thinking that because you never gave out your credit card number, you haven't bought anything yet. Anyway, you'll get a bill.

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