May 3, 1999 | In death, as in much of his life, Sonny Bono can't get no respect. The late congressman/Cher sidekick's name has lurked in headlines since his skiing death last year. Recent weeks have brought a new batch of stories about a young man who says he is the illegitimate son of the short, quintessentially '70s ex-singer, a claim that will soon be subject to DNA tests. (If it's true, the fellow stands to get a nice chunk of Sonny's estate.)

And now the modest little memorial park founded in his name in our nation's capital isn't even resting in peace. The Washington City Paper reports that someone has been swiping the imported Dutch tulips Sonny's boating buddy Geary Simon had planted in the shrine. In a snit over the snipping, Simon posted signs pleading with the pernicious petal-snatcher: "Please Do Not Cut the Tulips: This is not a public park. It is a privately maintained memorial park in honor of a friend."

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Simon's earnest entreaty worked. The tulip-taker, who'd only been in search of a little splash color for her drab workspace, copped to the crime. "She was very, very apologetic," Simon told the local weekly. Sonny must be rolling over in his political-platform shoes ...

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Lucianne Goldberg was robbed

"We took a lot of crap, but at the end of the day, we did a good job and we got it right, and that's what you're supposed to do." -- Newsweek writer Michael Isikoff accepting the National Magazine Award for his part in breaking the Monica Lewinsky scandal.

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Message to Al Gore: Don't bite the bejeweled hand that feeds you, no matter what Tipper says

Apparently channeling Dan "Murphy Brown is evil" Quayle, Al Gore took a nasty swipe at the media (read: Hollywood) at a White House event on Thursday, blaming it for the U.S. teen birth rate, which, despite a 16-percent decline over the past several years, he says is too high.

"There are so many sexual messages in the media," peeped the veep. "I think it's fair to conclude that maybe one factor in the U.S. having the highest rate of teen pregnancy in the developed world is also the prevalence of sexualized messages, particularly in so much of the media."

This despite the big money that's been rolling in to the Gore war chest from entertainment-industry types -- Jack Nicholson, David Caruso, Rob Reiner, the Dreamworks trio (Spielberg, Katzenberg, Geffen), and Candice "Murphy Brown" Bergen among them.

Doesn't seem very neighborly of old Al, does it? The discrepancy hasn't been lost on Quayle's family-values-stumping camp. "Nothing is quite as amusing as watching Al Gore and the Clinton administration try to make the case for the importance of core values like integrity and responsibility," quips Quayle spokesman Jonathan Baron. Geez, things are really getting scary when Dan Quayle's people start to sound like the voice of reason.

And scarier still now that it looks like Quayle has a handle on the Reaganesque self-deprecating humor that voters (and the nightly news) just can't get enough of. In a recent New York Times profile Quayle said of Gore, "If he invented the Internet, I invented spellcheck." Top that one, Woody.

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Tom Snyder was human?

"['Late Late Show' star Craig Kilborn is] one more pretty face with lacquer in his hair ... He's of no consequence. He looks like he was made in Disneyworld. He's not a real person. Do you honestly think he's a real person? At least Tom Snyder was human. This guy is derivative of something very low on the food chain." -- Screw magazine publisher and "Midnight Blue" host Al Goldstein (New York Observer).

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Tony Orlando's back, and he's mad as hell

There'll be no yellow ribbon tied around Tony Orlando's old oak tree for Wayne Newton. The Dawn front man has filed suit against the country crooner, accusing him of damaging his reputation and seeking more than $15 million in compensation. The scuffle between the former buddies and business partners took place in that middle-American latter-day Vegas: Branson, Mo. The two "musicians" shared the Talk of the T.O.W.N. Theatre (presumably no relation to the similarly named New Yorker column) until Newton, whose company held the lease, sent Orlando packing, saying he owed him upwards of $2 million. Orlando denies Newton's charge and says the eviction cost him millions in canceled shows. But Newton's singing a different song. "Are you serious?" his spokesperson said of Orlando's suit (not, in this case, the cheap '70s kind). "Are you sure it's not the other way around? This guy walked out of town owing the Newtons $800,000." Perhaps Orlando has taken a snippet of his signature song a bit too seriously: Get on the bus, forget about us, put the blame on me ...

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Straight talk from one Ms. to another

Looks like Ms. Hillary Rodham Clinton can count on Ms. Gloria Steinem for support. In an interview with Barbara Walters on Friday's "A Celebration: 100 Years of Great Women," the feminist icon was asked how she "rationalized" the first lady standing by her man, despite his cheatin' heart. "I don't," Steinem fired back. "She is not a victim. She is very smart; she's a full partner ... It's her choice. I respect her choice." Then she added, "I hope she's having a sex life of her own." Hmmm. Any pizza-carrying gentlemen in thongs been glimpsed around the first lady's office recently?

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The Judyth Files, Part III: The Plain-looking Green Glass!

The conspiracy continues: Last week I got another e-mail seeking justice for Judyth, the would-be author claiming to be Lee Harvey Oswald's ex-girlfriend who recently became my pen pal. This time, an old friend of hers writes to tell me that, in 1991, Judyth provided proof of her relationship with JFK's alleged assassin.

"She was showing off some glasses from Mexico," writes the helpful chum. "I noticed a plain-looking green glass near the top of her china cabinet. It stood out from the others. I don't exactly remember what I asked, but she told me quickly that it was the 'Oswald' glass. He had apparently given it to her as a gift."

The discovery of the glass, a pretty chintzy token of affection, "sparked an hour-long conversation of intrigue and vagueness." Although the friend notes that Judyth has "always been closed about her stories in the '60s," she nevertheless confessed that she and Oswald "had been friends."

According to the friend, Judyth never really touched on the subject again, although she did drop "a few more clues." But here's the scary part: The pal writes that it wouldn't surprise her if Judyth, whom she calls "a real whirlwind," had "several more books" to share on the matter. My comparison to Danielle Steel may be more apt than even I imagined.
salon.com | May 3, 1999

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