So, tit for tat, a German newspaper has given the people what they want: piquant pictures of Posh Spice (aka Victoria Adams) purportedly breast-feeding her wee baby, Brooklyn. (May I take a moment to thank the powers that be that this little boy wasn't conceived in Queens -- that'd give Pat Robertson something to get worked up about -- see item below.) The photos show Adams from behind, holding her baby at chest height, her soccer-playing fiancé, David Beckham, nearby, relaxing beside a swimming pool.

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"The pictures are a gross invasion of privacy," a spokeswoman for the famous family fumed to the BBC, pausing to note, however, that the likelihood of the photos depicting a breast-feeding in progress was not nearly as strong as, say, homosexuals in Scotland (see Robertson item below, again), since itty-bitty Brooklyn is a bottle-fed babe. The spokeswoman also rejoiced that no British newspapers had moved to buy the photos. "Hats off to the British press for respecting their privacy," she said. Shirts off, too?

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Put the Uzi down or I'll curl your lashes, pal

"I think all men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I feel that if every woman carried an eyelash curler and showed it to a man -- if you were bad -- and just said, 'Come here, put your eye in here and I'll squeeze.' I think they would all run away, there would be no more violence. Perhaps I'm oversimplifying."

-- Comedian Rita Rudner, entering the gun debate on "Politically Incorrect With Bill Maher"

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Scots to Robertson: If it ain't brogue, don't fix it

Next time the Bank of Scotland tries to break into the U.S. market, it may want to use Pat Robertson not as muscle, but as a battering ram.

Hoping to gain access to Robertson's fabled "huge data bank" of faithful followers, the bank recently entered into a deal with the wrong-headed right-wing televangelist to launch a telephone banking operation. But many wise Scots are finding Robertson's opinions harder to swallow than a huge helping of haggis.

After the pernicious preacher called Scotland a "dark country" overrun by homosexuals, droves of account holders and some major institutional customers started shifting their funds elsewhere in protest, forcing the bank to ... uh ... sheepishly reconsider its ties with rascally Robertson.

Objecting in particular to the ordination of gay ministers in Scottish churches, Robertson told his flock on his tithes-that-bind Christian Broadcasting Network and "700 Club" TV show, "In Scotland, you can't believe how strong the homosexuals are." Strong enough, even, to keep their banks from doing business with you, Pat.

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From the mouths of babes

"As my daughter said, 'Hey, Dad, you're not nearly as cool as they think you are.'"

-- Texas Gov. George W. Bush on his popularity in early presidential polls

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Juicy bits

Will Prince Charles and Tony Blair duke it out? Well, probably not (although if I didn't swoon at the sight of blood, I might pay to see that). But the two British gents are at odds over the growth of genetically modified foods in the U.K. The jug-eared royal held forth in London's Daily Mail this week about what he calls the "unprecedented and unethical" possibility that crops could cross-pollinate and tampon, er, tamper with our ecosystem. Blair, who has dismissed concern over the untested foods as media "hysteria," says he welcomes the princely input. And for once, Charles seems to have his finger on the pulse of the British people, who overwhelmingly back him up on the issue. He's even opened an area on his Web site where people can share their opinions about GM foods. Just don't tell him what you think about Camilla Parker Bowles.

Speaking of Prince-ly issues... According to Michael Jackson's wife, Debbie, Luciano Pavarotti sang a false (yet heartfelt, no doubt) note when he told thousands in the crowd at a charity concert on Tuesday that the couple's 2-year-old son, Prince, was near death. The Gloved One's little loved one, she said, "is not dying. He has a virus infection and is going to be fine." Well, you know how those opera singers like to exaggerate a gesture.

Why didn't O.J. Simpson's lawyers think of this? Attorneys for a Phoenix fellow named Scott Falater, who confessed to stabbing his wife 44 times and drowning her in their backyard swimming pool, will argue this week that he should be acquitted of murder because he was sleepwalking at the time. "The thing about sleepwalkers is that sometimes when they get into a task ... it seems that's when they're more prone to violence," one lawyer for the sleepy slayer said. But prosecutors say the dozey defense "is going to be a tough sell." Naaah. They just need a good catch phrase. How about "If the eyelids are zipped, you must acquit" or "If the killer's logging Z's, you must set him free" or at least "If the defendant is snoring, a pardon's worth exploring"?
salon.com | June 3, 1999

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