To print this page, select "Print" from the File menu of your browser salon.com > People July 22, 1999 URL: http://www.salon.com/people/col/reit/1999/07/22/coburn Jar Jar Binks to battle clap in D.C. Rep. Coburn enlists "Phantom Menace" mob in STD wars; the queen's bowser was a boozer; 1,000-year-old king may be pushin' up pavement. Plus: New! Viagra for geraniums! - - - - - - - - - - - - By Amy Reiter What does "Star Wars" have to do with sexually transmitted diseases? Well, unless cute-as-Fozzie Yoda's secretly getting a little unprotected intergalactic nooky on the side, not a whole heck of a lot. Still, that hasn't stopped GOP Rep. Tom Coburn, a practicing physician from Oklahoma, from trying to capitalize on the success of the most recent George Lucas flick to boost attendance at his upcoming annual safe sex slide show. Invitations to the July 30 lunch event, which aims to educate Capitol Hill interns -- who, according to Coburn spokesman John Hart, "are at an age where they're wrestling with many of these issues" -- on "the real phantom menace," STDs, feature the likenesses of Jedi knight Obi-Wan Kenobi, the evil emperor, C-3PO and R2-D2 and that bumbling Gungan Jar Jar Binks. (Apparently Lucas' permission was not needed for use; congressional offices have a special exemption for official correspondence.) On one version of the invitation, icky icky Jar Jar blurts, "Count me outta dis one. STDs do terribul tings ... TERRIBUL TINGS! Eegads! What mesa sayin'! Mesa go for de free lunch ... okeday." Another version depicts R2-D2 beaming STD statistics as his robotic buddy C-3PO worriedly looks on, saying "Oh, how dreadful!" (My sentiments exactly, C-3PO.) The invitations also warn that some slides may contain graphic images (yowza!), although Hart assures Nothing Personal that the unusual presentation will be "highly professional and informative." Here's hoping a certain ex-White House intern with a special thong in her heart gets royalties. - - - - - - - - - - - - Who's that hunk next to the bearded lady? "At 72, I'm still the Latin lover. What am I? A fairground freak?" -- Italian film legend and perpetual sex symbol Marcello Mastroianni, in a documentary film self-portrait he made six months before he died in December 1996. - - - - - - - - - - - - Palace puppy prank turns deadly Keep this guy away from Buddy the White House dog. Just days after it was announced that the British Royals would have to cut back on their official security detail, foul-play-tinged tragedy has struck Buckingham Palace. After one of Queen Elizabeth's precious corgis, Phoenix, barked his way up to the big doghouse in the sky, a post-mortem revealed that the furry little yipper was something of a tippler: Traces of alcohol were found in his bloodstream. Upon further inquiry, it was discovered that the hooch-lapping pooch was not one to drink alone. His taste for the hard stuff was traced to Matthew King, one of the queen's two personal footmen, whose job it was to walk the dogs and who also had access to the royal drinks trolley. A crumpled King reportedly copped to the crime, saying he sometimes got the dogs snockered for a snicker, spiking their dog chow with whisky and gin. But Dr. Roger Mugford, a veterinarian who has treated the queen's corgis, told the U.K.'s Daily Record that King was barking up the wrong tree if he thought what he did was funny. "This sort of thing cannot be laughed off as a bit of harmless larking about. Dogs react to booze the same way as humans," he said. "A tipsy corgi could easily bump into something and hurt itself." So I guess that explains why, in his last days, Phoenix had taken to parading around the palace with a royal lampshade on his head, propositioning the scullery maids and barking out football fight songs. - - - - - - - - - - - - Next up, Ehud Barak tickles the ivories "I think the Lilith thing was more of a sociological statement because it was all fronted by women, and to me that's just another form of discrimination ... [It's] like having a festival where every band had to feature a Jewish keyboard player. To me, that would be getting away from what the music's all about." -- Pretender Chrissie Hynde on all-gal musicfest Lilith Fair. - - - - - - - - - - - - Juicy bits Do you have King Alfred in a car park? Well, let him out! Sure, it sounds like a phony phone call. But even as I type (and you read), a pack of determined volunteers are digging up the River Park leisure center in Winchester, England, in search of the bones of the ancient, heroic British royal. "It is very exciting. We might find something cool," one volunteer from Denver told the Times of London. A teenaged digger from Dallas agreed, gushing, "It would be pretty exciting to be able to tell my parents I had dug up a 1,000-year-old king." Shouldn't that kid be home making crank phone calls or something? Viagra, it's not just for humans and Bob Dole anymore. Israeli professor Yaacov Leshem, a plant physiologist at Bar-Ilan University, has determined that the impotency drug can double the life span of plants, fruits and veggies. (Strom Thurmond's secret?) "Plants aren't all that different from people," Leshem told the press. "It helps prevent aging and helps them stay erect." On second thought, I take that back about Strom Thurmond. salon.com | July 22, 1999