How to say you're sorry: A refresher course

These days, apologies are everywhere in the national and international news. Yet few nations or individuals know how to make one.

By Susan McCarthy

Aug. 23, 2001 | Just say you're sorry. Never say you're sorry "if." Say you're sorry.

"I'm sorry I was rude" is good.

"I'm sorry if I was rude" is not. It weasels. It implies that maybe you weren't rude. It implies that the person being apologized to has a twisted little worldview if they think "Oh, shut up, frog-lips" is rude.

An apology should give the sense that you actually feel some form of regret. "Sorry if" is a conditional apology. Conditional apologies make things worse, not better.

"I'm sorry your frog is dead" is better than "I'm sorry if your frog's death causes you pain."

Similarly, "I'm sorry I taunted you about your frog's death" is better than "I'm sorry if my taunting you about your frog's death caused you pain."

When "I'm sorry" is an apology, it conveys remorse. "I'm sorry" can also be an expression of sympathy, a thing people occasionally forget.

"I'm sorry your frog died."

"Why are you sorry? You didn't kill my frog!"

But what if you did kill their frog? "I'm sorry I killed your frog" is better than "I'm sorry if my killing your frog caused you pain."

Making the if silent does not help. "I'm sorry my killing your frog caused you pain" contains a silent if, because it still implies that your regret is not for the action (killing the frog) but for the suffering it caused (oh, boo hoo), which by implication need not have followed from the action. It implies an argument about the value of the frog, and although you may differ on this subject, an apology is not the time to bring it up. Do you say, "Sorry about your whole family being killed, but, you know, I never liked them"? No.

What if there is genuine uncertainty? That's different. "I'm sorry your frog died" contains no silent if. "I'm sorry if your frog died" is a different sentence that implies that the frog may turn up at any moment, having just stepped out to catch a movie and forgotten to turn its pager back on.

"I'm sorry if my anvil fell on you -- it didn't? -- Oh, I'm so glad."

Even worse than "sorry if" is the poisoned apology: "I'm sorry my taunting you about your frog's death caused you pain. You should seek therapy."

Taking personal frogs out of the matter enables us to take an objective look at more general apologies.

"I'm sorry that hundreds of frog species around the world are going extinct and that woodlands that once throbbed with their gladsome croaking are now silent." This denotes simple regret.

"I'm sorry that my air-conditioned car has contributed to a situation that has caused hundreds of frog species around the world to go extinct and that woodlands that once throbbed with their gladsome croaking are now silent." This denotes regret and acknowledgement of personal responsibility.

"I'm sorry that you feel that my air-conditioned car has caused hundreds of frog species around the world to go extinct and that woodlands that once throbbed with their gladsome croaking are now silent, but would you please move your bicycle?" This includes a skillful substitution of "that" for "if," and denotes faux regret and implicit announcement of imminent homicidal attack. It does not count as an apology.

Let's try some examples without frogs. (An editor suggests that these lessons are too simplistic. But first of all, you might be surprised at how hard it apparently is for certain people to understand the most basic principles of a modest apology -- it's like it would kill them to say they're sorry! Second of all, those who require this information include not only individuals but nations. And when you are explaining things to nations, you cannot make it too simple.)

"I'm sorry for what I said" is better than "I'm sorry if you took what I said the wrong way."

Next page: I'm sorry about standing you up, I'm sorry about hitting on your best friend"